Getting Into Singapore

Obedient Wives

2011-10-22T23:28:00.000-07:00

The Straits Times has had at least two articles about the Obedient Wives Club in recent weeks. This is a group of Muslim women in Malaysia and a few other Muslim countries which is apparently making inroads in Singapore as well, though local Muslim leaders have distanced themselves from the group. These obedient wives believe that a Muslim woman has a duty to please her husband in bed to keep him from seeking adventure elsewhere. They have stirred up controversy, with some Believers upset because they deem the subject matter unsuitable for public discussion, and other Believers upset because it objectifies women and suggests that wives are somehow responsible for the infidelity of their husbands.

As a non-Believer, I find it troubling for an altogether different reason. The OWC has released a book entitled “Islamic Sex: Fighting Against Jews to Return Islamic Sex to the World.” I don’t understand why the words “Fighting Against Jews” appear in the title. Are they suggesting that Jews have something to do with the absence of Islamic sex? How is “Fighting Against Jews” relevant to the subject?

In a country that emphasizes religious harmony and forbids comments that can incite religious tension I find it curious that these words have been published at least twice without explanation. I hope some reporter at the Straits Times can report what the title of the book means.

Help needed - desperately

2011-10-10T03:08:00.000-07:00

I was at the Slop ‘n’ Save stupidmarket at the West Mall today (Monday afternoon) and picked up half a dozen items. The queues were super long, as in nearly to the back of the store. I was glad I’d be in the ‘express’ lane. Or so I thought. There are actually three registers at the express lane, but only one of them was open. The line snaked down an aisle quite a distance, about 15 customers long and getting longer. You would have thought they were giving food away for free! Or you might assume that their stuff was really excellent. It isn’t. In fact, this place is pretty much near the bottom of the local supermarket hierarchy, along with its sister store the super-gigantic-mega-hypermarket.

The cashier’s name was May. Not ‘Mae’, who says “Don’t wait!” on the TV commercial, but ‘May’ as in “you’re going to wait a hell of a long time to pay for those things.” May was doing her best and I don’t blame her one bit. But I couldn’t believe a manager would allow such a state, so I asked May if the store even had a manager. After all, some orchestras don’t even have a conductor and manage to play just fine, so I thought maybe the store was trying to save costs by not having anyone in charge. May got on the speaker and called for the manager. Twice. Then a third time. I didn’t want to delay the other customers, so I went to those doors with the ‘authorized personnel only’ signs and opened them, calling for the manager. A young lady came out and told me the manager was in a meeting and wasn’t available.

I sure hope that meeting was in fact a mass hiring interview. I don’t go to that store all the time (or I would have killed myself by now), but I’ve been there several times when all of the queues have been intolerably long, so I know it’s not a rare occurrence. On a few occasions I abandoned my basket and left rather than wait in line.

That manager should not have been in a meeting at that time. If he cannot manage to have adequate staff on hand he should have been at the register next to May helping her (and his customers) out. What is his job, to have meetings? Or to provide a quality shopping experience for his customers?

They have some kind of loyalty card called the “Passion” card. May asked me whether I had the Passion card, as they all do, and I told her I had no passion whatsoever for that place. And while they always ask, no one has ever asked me whether I want one or explained how to get one or what it would do for me. I guess even the employees have no passion about that store.

Just what are we supposed to be saving at Slop ‘n’ Save? Surely not time. Could we be saving money? No, it’s not the cheapest shop in town, and if you value your time even a little bit you are losing big there.

I mentioned that this ugly wretch of a store had an equally horrid sister. The funny thing is, they have a third sister who is like the Cinderella of local supermarkets. They should try to learn a few tricks from her.

Much ado about boo at the zoo

2011-09-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

The Night Safari has just cancelled its planned Halloween Horrors event due to some feedback that it has nothing to do with conservation. In addition, some believe it is not wholesome and family friendly enough. This comes in the wake of new changes in management personnel.

The event has proved popular in the past, and over 1,000 tickets have already been sold. In addition, 17 polytechnic students have put in a lot of work developing characters and costumes as part of a school project.

Halloween can be a fun family event. It can also be fun for teens and young adults, even if not suitable for the wee tots.

The rationale strikes me as highly bogus. It reminds me of the time a group of religious fanatics took over a women’s organization and tried to cram their anti-homosexual agenda down everyone’s throats. Perhaps some ultra-religious anti-devil fanatics are operating behind the scenes. I can’t wait to see who is unmasked and what tricks lie ahead. BOO!

Ugly people need not apply

2011-08-28T18:23:00.000-07:00

There has been some discussion lately about the coming of clothing store Abercrombie & Fitch to Orchard Road. Most of the talk has centered not on the merits of having their clothes available, nor on their giant billboard of a nearly naked young man clearly in need of clothes (A&F or any others), but on their practice of hiring only very attractive young people to work as salespeople. There always follows a deafening silence – the sound of no one mentioning SIA’s long standing practice of hiring (and retaining) only very attractive young stewardesses.

I might be more likely to buy clothing from an attractive person than an ugly one, but I would definitely be more likely to buy from a knowledgeable and helpful person who took an interest in me than from a clueless person, no matter how good looking. And being served by a gorgeous stewardess does not make the food taste any better.

Today’s “Home” section in the Straits Times had an above the fold story of A&F’s no ugly people policy, as well as mention of a few small local companies that also seemed to have only good looking counter help. Again, no mention of our sacred cow airline. But below the fold was a half page ad featuring a beautiful Singapore Girl hovering over a passenger. Talk about irony!

This family is begging for trouble

2011-08-07T01:58:00.000-07:00

In the wake of some recent lip service about whether to mandate time off for maids comes a report about a Swiss family who give their maid not just one day off a month but every Sunday off. Not only that, they give her public holidays off. They also gave her a camera for Christmas and pay her fees for a photography class.

What’s the matter with these people? They’re spoiling the market for everyone else. Pretty soon other maids will want to have time off and be treated like human beings. Where will it all end?

Not to worry, these people will get what’s coming to them. It’s just a matter of time before she turns her employers’ home into a brothel, invites over boyfriends who steal from the home, gets pregnant, and maybe makes a few bucks from selling some pictures. God knows what else she might do. She’s been working here for fourteen years and so far she hasn't been caught doing anything illegal, but that’s probably just luck. Those naïve Swiss are going to learn the hard way that you just can’t trust a maid!

Hacker backer sacks attacker

2011-07-20T05:43:00.000-07:00

Wendi Deng, wife of Rupert Murdoch, quickly beat back an attacker who threw shaving foam at her hubby. The beleaguered media mogul was appearing before a parliamentary committee in London that was conducting an inquiry into his news organization’s hacking of phone lines.

That was a quick reaction by the feisty lady. Or was it? Did she know he was coming? Perhaps the foamer was hacked.

Orchid Revolution?

2011-07-16T23:48:00.000-07:00

Ever since the election the government has been bending over backwards to appear responsive to the people. I had strange thoughts creeping into my head – is the whip being passed from the government to the governed? Spring Singapore chairman Philip Yeo expressed fear that the government may become “terrified of the people” and pamper them too much. A reader wrote in to the Straits Times expressing a similar fear. Though the Speaker’s Corner is empty as usual, could we be in the midst of an Orchid Revolution?

Meanwhile, over at the Maplewoods condominium, a bunch of crybaby residents are whining about construction work on the new MRT line going on outside their development. After hearing their alternative plan, LTA engineers felt it would cause delay, but that that did not satisfy the residents. I guess these Complaint Kings and Queens think they know better than the professionals who have done a remarkable job to date in building a world-class mass transit system. It looks like the whiners will secure a number of concessions, or “goodies,” after their pathetic outburst. Which means we can expect more to come – if not from them, then from many others who will no doubt try to follow their example.

MRT related construction is causing disruption all over Bukit Timah and other areas. Maplewoods owners will benefit greatly when the new line is completed, with a station right outside their door. They will gladly accept the increase in value to their property and the proximity to the MRT. They just don’t want to bear any inconvenience along the way.

There are few things in life as irritating as a spoiled brat – except for a hundred of them.

These foreigners are getting out of control!

2011-07-10T02:59:00.000-07:00

Straits Times columnist Sumiko Tan vented some half-hearted gripes about the invasion of foreigners in Singapore. She laments the cacophony of Chinese dialects other than the ones she’s accustomed to, and the foreigners’ penchant for hanging laundry on playground equipment instead of on bamboo poles, balcony railings, and parapets like real Singaporeans do. Maybe it’s just me, but I haven’t noticed much change. In fact, when I’m on the MRT and hear the announcement about reporting suspicious looking characters, I’m thinking they all look pretty suspicious to me!

Ms Tan is lucky she didn’t grow up in Miami, which has been subject to a fifty-year invasion of Spanish speakers who make little or no effort to speak English, monopolize many jobs because of that language divide, and disrupt traffic by selling oranges, flowers, and cocaine at your car window. They paint their houses in shades of papaya, lavender, and aquamarine instead of white or beige. Miami streets are named after foreign statesmen and heroes unknown to most Americans. Politics has been dragged into the gutter (more so and earlier than in other parts of the US) and corruption is off the charts. [Disclaimer: I’m not saying the population shift was the sole cause of all of these ills, but merely point out that they resemble conditions traditionally found in South America more than in North America.] Because they have used their political weight to impose an embargo on Cuba, which has loopholes for themselves, the foreigners have more freedom in America than native-born Americans do.

Singapore has always had a rojak population (see how I’ve adapted!), and most of the newcomers are from the same countries as Singaporeans’ ancestors. Foreigners in Singapore generally speak the language(s), have a hard time getting citizenship, keep their noses out of politics, and rarely venture any harsh or non-mainstream opinions. They pay more for medical and other services and are clearly second-class in many ways. Maids and foreign laborers are treated well below second-class. (Okay, so some foreigners do have stronger opinions!)

The bottom line is the world is changing far faster than most people would like, and we all feel alienated or left behind in some ways. Deal with it.

4th of July

2011-07-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

After 11 years of celebrating Independence Day with a lonely hamburger, we finally made it to the American Association’s 4^th of July bash this year at the Sembawang naval base. About a hundred US sailors are permanently stationed at the base, which is shared with the British, Australian, and New Zealand navies.

There were several thousand people roaming the grounds and picnicking on blankets, many wearing college T-shirts, athletic jerseys, and other articles of distinctly American clothing. A few bands performed the sort of music you would expect from middle-aged performers – Springsteen, Allman Brothers, and a lot of country music. On this occasion even songs I never really liked sounded good.

I never saw so many ang mohs and so few Singaporeans at one time in Singapore. In fact, the only thing to remind me that I was in Singapore was the long queue for the toilets.

There were lots of organized activities for the kids, and at least one unofficial one – a bunch of adventurous kids were riding down a steep embankment on large cardboard sheets. In the evening there was a modest fireworks display. There was also plenty of food and beer. I had ribs, a pork sandwich, and cole slaw. Margarete and Cherisse had hot dogs, chicken wings, and lemonade. All of the food was reasonably priced. It was so nice to have a meal without rice or noodles!

After our four hour vacation we boarded the shuttle bus back to Sembawang MRT station. The bus traveled just a few blocks, but it brought us from one world to another. I’m sure we’ll be back next year.

These maids are getting out of control!

2011-06-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

Maids are in the news again. Maids in Singapore are a hardworking bunch. Many of them have to wake up at 5:00am and work nonstop until after midnight. The first thing they do in the morning is wash the car. They do this every day, even if the car has been unused since the previous day and is still sparkling.

We sometimes hear of a maid who isn’t given enough food. As cheap as food is here, some maids only get one or two slices of bread a day. Fortunately, they can sometimes get a bit of extra food from a neighbor’s maid.

Quite a few maids fall to their death each year while cleaning windows. The government has tried to teach employers how to safeguard their maids, but they still keep splattering on the pavement. I suspect many of them lean out too far because they are terrified at what might happen if they miss a spot. Many employers abuse their maids for the slightest reasons. And the abuse is not a simple slap or punch as you might expect. An informal SORRI survey of newspaper accounts over the last twelve years suggests that the most common forms of maid abuse are:

Beating her with a bamboo pole, broomstick, clothes hanger, or cooking spoon

Smashing her head into the wall

Scalding her with boiling water

Burning her with a hot clothes iron

For some reason, pinching her breasts is also a popular form of abuse.

Once in a while an employer (usually a woman) goes to jail for maid abuse, sometimes for several weeks, but these punishments are very light compared to those meted out for other offenses. I am sure many more instances of maid abuse never become public because the maid is paid to keep quiet, or she is too terrified or ignorant to take action. Some maids are sent home before they even earn enough to repay the loans they took to come here, thus going home in worse financial shape than the poverty that drove them to come here in the first place, simply because they were cursed with a lousy employer.

There has been talk of making it mandatory for employers to give their maids one day off every week. Predictably, most of the talk from the street opposes the idea. Some complain because they need their maids every day to take care of elderly parents, young children, or invalids. But many are more concerned that their maids will get into trouble by getting boyfriends, getting pregnant, or doing part time work. The thinking seems to be "I'm not paying her to have a life, I'm paying her to work."

To these people I'd like to say:

Your maid was a human being long before she became "your" maid. Her time off (if any) is hers. If she wants companionship on her day off that's her choice. If she gets pregnant she'll be on the next flight home, so it won't be your problem. If you're worried about the expense of sending her back and replacing her, that's the risk you agreed to when you took her. And Singaporeans tend to admire ambitious go getters of the non-maid variety, so why is it so bad if a maid wants to earn extra money? They didn't come here because they want to care for your family, they came to make money to support theirs.

In addition to giving maids tests to determine whether they are suitable to work here as maids, we should test would-be employers to determine whether they are worthy of having a maid.

Bank speaks Plain English

2011-06-02T05:24:00.000-07:00

OCBC Bank announced that they have adopted the Plain English approach. They will begin using simple language instead of legalese for their contracts with customers.

When I was in law school twenty five years ago we were taught to draft documents in Plain English. For example, instead of writing “cease and desist” we would write “stop.” I thought that was a good idea. When you’re charging a client a princely sum to draft a document it is only fair that said client should be able to peruse and comprehend said document, regardless of the cranial capacity and level of intellect of the aforesaid client. As a young attorney I began using simple language in my documents and turned them over to the senior partner for his approval. He would take out his red pen and change all my “stop”s to “cease and desist”s.

If OCBC can get these past their legal department it will be a welcome change.

SIA to launch low-cost carrier

2011-05-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

That was the exact headline from today’s ST. And welcome news it is. I have often thought it would be wonderful to fly non-stop to the US and speed up the miserably long flight I make every year, but SIA’s current flights that go direct to New York have no economy class whatsoever!

It makes good business sense. Let the highly profitable airline take only high-paying business and first class passengers, and start a budget airline for regular people who don’t have $10,000 to spend on a single ticket.

The new airline would focus on medium and long haul flights. Most Singaporeans have done the usual holidays in the region – Bali, Phuket, Hong Kong, etc. This might help them get to more distant destinations, without paying SIA’s usual pricey rates.

There are other synergies as well. Instead of firing their Singapore Girls when they get pregnant, or develop crow’s feet, they could simply redeploy them to the low-end side of the operation.

Singapore Biennale

2011-05-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

There has been some controversy surrounding the recent Singapore Biennale, aside from the removal/shutdown/censoring/call-it-what-you-will of the installation piece with the gay porn. It concerns the attendance figures of the event.

The Biennale supposedly drew over 900,000 visitors to its various venues, including the Singapore Art Museum. Over 700,000 “visitors” were passing by public displays, a highly suspect figure. SAM itself drew about 740,000 in all of 2009. The world renowned Venice Biennale drew a measley 375,000 during six months in 2009, according to the Straits Times. The paper further states that about 196,000 attended SAM, the National Museum, the highly publicized Merlion Hotel exhibit, and the Old Kallang Airport location during the two month run.

Dividing 740,000 by 12, let’s say SAM would have had about 62,000 visitors a month, or 124,000 during the entire event. Take that from 196,000 and you get 72,000. I assume the National Museum also gets several thousand visitors in a normal month, and the Merlion Hotel exhibit had so much hype it no doubt lured many thousands of curiousity seekers. Which leaves just a few for the Old Kallang Airport.

I joined the extended family for an afternoon at OKA during the Biennale. It was a weekend afternoon, billed as “Family Day,” yet the place was not crowded by any measurement. Cherisse made three kites, a couple of badges, and a cardboard house at the kiddie art area. I ventured into a few of the buildings to see the “professional” art. And what did I see?

There was one space (a good art critic doesn’t use words like “room,” we prefer “space”) containing the contents of a Chinese provision shop. Lots of plastic buckets, porcelain bowls with roosters painted on them, feather dusters, etc. I guess this was for the benefit of any local or tourist who never ventured into such a shop in Chinatown. Pointless. Another room (I mean space) was filled with huge paper tubes representing who knows what. There was a very fake looking German barn with some real live boys in lederhosen lounging on the hay, which might have qualified as child porn in some places.

I have done a few installation and performance art pieces during my high school and university days, and my idea of art encompasses more than the traditional still life/portrait/landscape kind of thing. But I have to say this was the worst art exhibition I have ever seen, and a few of my friends felt the same way. The best part was a large space (there I go again – damn, I’m good!) filled with hundreds of drawings by local primary school students.

Forget the incredibly misleading numbers, this event was an unpopular fiasco. And I don’t mean to belittle the organizers, the people helping the tykes make their kites, or the primary schoolers. I just hope they do a better job next time.

I'll drink to that...

2011-04-30T05:21:00.000-07:00

I was in a bookstore this afternoon. Actually, it’s more of a stationery shop as it sells more school supplies and school assessment materials than books. I won’t mention the name, but let’s just say it’s quite a popular chain.

Anyway, they had a large selection of board games. Alongside Monopoly and Cluedo I was shocked to see a game called Drinking Roulette, another called Shots and Ladders, and two other drinking games. I had the impression that they catered mostly to the primary school market, but it seems they have something for the university crowd as well.

I know it when I see it

2011-04-01T02:26:00.000-07:00

An artist had an installation on display at the Singapore Art Museum, but something was missing, namely, a number of gay pornographic magazines that had been part of the exhibit. Said magazines had been removed by SAM, allegedly without the knowledge or consent of the artist. While SAM may have had some legal concerns, the artist could have been consulted.

Kudos to Straits Times columnist Ong Sor Fern for her courageous stand. She not only lashed out at the museum, she compared their actions to vandalism! Actually, she said it was “tantamount to an act of vandalism,” and further qualified her statement with a “to me”. Still, pretty gutsy. Whether her comparison is accurate or not, I don’t expect anyone at SAM to be caned like Michael Fay or Ollie Fricker.

I recall seeing some X-rated art in China (okay, it was actually Taiwan), where the galleries containing the “offending” images had been cordoned off and warning signs displayed. Pretty liberal, eh?

I gotta wonder whether it was the gay part of the porn that set off the censors. Perhaps Ms. Ong or fellow intrepid columnist Andy Ho would like to look into that. What with Yale hooking up with NUS with the understanding that discussions on campus will be free as befits a liberal arts college, perhaps the times they are a-changin’.

Driving for exercise

2011-03-06T22:48:00.000-08:00

Homeowners near MacRitchie Reservoir are having problems with joggers parking their cars in front of their homes, sometimes blocking their driveway and causing them to park far from their own homes. This is due to the public parking lot charging for what was until recently free parking.

Here’s how it works. The joggers get into their cars, pay for petrol, maybe even pay ERP charges, drive to the reservoir, and park in the surrounding neighbourhood because they are too cheap to pay for parking at the reservoir itself.

What is the point of driving your car so you can go jogging? Why not jog to the nearest park? Don’t they have sidewalks in their own neighbourhoods?

The doctor is in ... her pocket

2011-02-28T19:28:00.000-08:00

A local surgeon is being investigated by the Singapore Medical Council for the outrageous bills she submitted to a member of the royal family of a nearby country. She claims she did nothing improper as she had an agreement with her fabulously wealthy patient.

I suspect most people with a potentially life-threatening illness would agree to anything their doctor suggested, with her white coat and esoteric knowledge, especially given the mortal fear the patient must have been experiencing.
Just because your patient is rich, it is not OK to soak her. Not only did this doctor submit hefty bills for her own services, she inflated the bills she submitted on behalf of other doctors involved in the case. A $400 bill became $211,000, a $3,000 bill became $285,000.

I was thinking this surgeon deserved to occupy the cell next to Bernie Madoff. But now, five of the eight doctors who had their bills surgically enhanced have filed affidavits swearing that there was nothing wrong with this practice.

None of these doctors have been accused of wrongdoing, and it seems likely that they were unaware of the inflated billing. I wonder why they don’t see a problem? I can speculate on a number of reasons, but let’s assume they genuinely believe it is perfectly acceptable to take a $9,000 medical bill and increase it to $400,000. Doesn’t that worry you?

This show of support for their colleague makes me worry that we may be on the verge of an epidemic of doctoritis grabyourcashis.

Singaporeans, protect yourselves! Wash your hands and hold tightly to your wallets! Drink plenty of alkaline water – some doctors sell it on the side, so you can believe it works! And don’t brag about your cousin the sultan during your consultation, just mention your uncle Ah Seng the durian seller.

Congratulations to Andy Ho

2011-02-20T04:03:00.000-08:00

Straits Times columnist Andy Ho, who writes on science and medicine, has been short listed by the Singapore Organization for Research on Relevant Issues (SORRI) for its “Person of the Year” Award. In recent weeks Dr Ho has written two impressive columns. The first recounted medical studies showing that acupuncture is no more effective than a placebo, and the second debunked astrology. With all the charlatans running amok on this island, it is a pleasure to see someone take a stand for science and reason. Well done, Dr Ho.

Is Singapore cool?

2011-02-14T18:28:00.000-08:00

CNN has somehow determined that Singapore is the second coolest country in the world, after Brazil. Brazil is known for fabulous beaches, scantily clad bathers and carnival dancers, a formidable soccer tradition, bossa nova, and a laid back vibe. The two countries seem poles apart. So how were the rankings determined? Who knows? It depends on how you define “cool.”

The Straits Times did an informal survey of 200 Singaporeans. Nearly half did not think Singapore was cool. When asked to name the coolest icon in Singapore, the most common answer was “can’t think of one.” In second place was Lee Kuan Yew. I’ll bet if you told MM Lee he was cool he’d think you were siao. The venerable statesman was followed by the new Marina Bay Sands hotel/casino/integrated resort.

What makes Singapore cool? The top answer was its transport system, with its shiny trains free of graffiti. In some places, graffiti is considered cool and shiny is bland. Predictably, food and shopping made the list, as did safety. Cool is edgy and clearly in the danger zone, not safe. I’m not sure many respondents understand what “cool” is; they seem to associate it with something vaguely good or positive.

I see Singapore as the honors student who always wears a cardigan (you might catch cold!) and plays the clarinet in the marching band. Singapore is not the jock, cheerleader, leather-clad biker, or lead guitarist in a garage band. Being a goody two shoes has certain advantages, but “cool” is not one of them.

No shortage of suckers

2011-01-30T01:00:00.000-08:00

I got a huge laugh out of the Sunday Times this morning, and it wasn’t from reading the comics. The headline that caught my eye read “Tuition to train the brain,” and was accompanied by a photo of a kiasu couple watching their young daughter supposedly identify cards while blindfolded. (Clarification: the daughter was blindfolded, not the parents, but I doubt the parents really “see” that well.) The article discusses the rising popularity of brain stimulation classes, some of which claim that their students will learn to see and read while blindfolded.

I have no doubt that children can learn to read while blindfolded – provided they are learning Braille.

The two medical experts quoted in the article were not impressed. But the boss of one of these brain building afademies explained his program: the children play games, sing, and watch funny videos (I’m guessing Tom and Jerry or Mr Bean) while a machine plays sounds in the background. Ooooo-eeeee-oooh. He was actually quoted as saying “I can’t explain it scientifically, it’s a mystery.” No doubt. His academy only takes children between ages 5-12, but it will accept older kids if they are deemed suitable after an interview. I can imagine the interview going something like this:

Brain boss: “Are your parents able and willing to pay our exorbitant fees?”
Prospective but over-aged student :”Yes.”
Brain boss: “OK, you’re in.”

The article did not just quote a couple of neurological authorities and the academy heads, it also quoted a couple of parents. One parent reported a change in her son’s personality after a few days! Another has yet to notice any academic improvement in her son since he began the course, but feels the kid is more confident in doing his homework. Sounds like the placebo effect to me. And by the way, she is now an “ambassador” for the company and gets 12% commission for referrals. Sounds like the dollar effect to me now.

I recall a recent article about the alkaline water business (on which I commented on November 22, 2010) and I am struck by the similarity of the structure of the articles. An unbelievable claim, promoters careful not to say anything that will get them in trouble, some half-hearted testimonials by unqualified or biased supporters, and a couple of qualified experts offering very reserved opinions casting doubt on the claims. Maybe it’s a formula they teach at journalism school.

I hope the next time ST covers such a dubious product or service they get experts willing to call a spade a spade. Of course, most experts are very cautious as they may not know all the facts (one never does) and are afraid of being sued.

With this kind of hard-hitting investigative reporting it’s just a matter of days before we read about the next bunch of suckers.

I have not seen many tiger moms in Singapore, but it seems there are lemming moms and sheep dads aplenty.

State of the City (of Miami)

2011-01-05T02:00:00.000-08:00

People have been asking about my trip to Miami, so I’ll lay it out for you. Miami was about the same as last year, only more so. Let me explain.

Cell phones. I usually enjoy driving in Miami – it’s not nearly as stressful as driving in Singapore. But this year I’d have to call it about even. The reason is cell phone related. It appears that Miami cars will not move unless the driver is talking on the cell. You see a guy creeping along with half a mile of space between him and the car in front and as you pass him and shoot him a dirty look you notice he is on the phone. Everyone in the mall is also on the phone. What the hell are these people talking about all the time? I almost wonder how people were able to function before we all had cell phones.

Traffic. As if driving while yakking on the phone isn’t bad enough, most of the expressways are in their usual state of being under renovation. You drive along and see debris everywhere, the roads lined with earth moving equipment of all sorts, yet you never see any work being done. Maybe they ran out of money. It’s been going on for many years, but this time I noticed signs on the road saying the works would be completed in – get this: 2015. Wanna bet?

Cars. Last year marked the debut of the “new” retro Camaro and Mustang. This year I noticed quite a few new retro Dodge Chargers. I sure hope they don’t bring back the AMC Gremlin.

Bazoombas. It looks like the last few adult women who had not had boob jobs have now had them. Not a single woman over the age of 18 has avoided the knife, and the teen market is rapidly being exploited. This is disturbing on several counts:

1. So many doctors are going into plastic surgery rather than doing something useful with their lives. Don’t they have any qualms about taking a seat in medical school just to give insecure women bazoombas the size of Jay Leno’s head?

2. So many women are willing to look ridiculously fake in a pathetic attempt to feel good about themselves.

3. An entire generation of teenage boys will grow up never knowing the feel of a real breast.

Black leggings. I think I recall seeing one female who wasn’t wearing black leggings. Probably not.

Like I said, it’s all the same, only more so.

Guns "R" Us

2011-01-03T02:51:00.000-08:00

One Sunday morning during my extended holiday in Miami I picked up a copy of the Miami Herald. The Sunday edition is quite hefty, though it is light on news. The damn thing is mostly advertising inserts from K-Mart, Walmart, Target, Macy’s, JCPenney, Walgreens, CVS, Staples, and practically every other store in the county.

There was even one from Badass Pro Shops (I have added a couple of letters to disguise the name). What do they sell there – bass? Pros? Bait? This Temple of Testosterone, this Monument to Macho sells everything the modern sportsman could ever want, and quite a bit more. A glance through the insert told me I had to see this place for myself.

I visited an outlet in the Doral area. In the parking lot was the usual array of pickup trucks with bumper stickers proclaiming “When guns are outlawed I will become an outlaw” and other comforting thoughts. Just inside the entrance was a cozy little cafe serving not beef jerky and trail mix but coffee and pastry, just like at your friendly neighbourhood bookstore. Inside it had all kinds of gear for fishing, scuba, hunting, and camping, including rods and reels, guns and knives, ammo galore, clothing for the great outdoors in all its forms, candy, plus a wide selection of boats and trailers and 4x4s. All this and more under one massive roof (though the boats were outside and technically not under the roof). This place would arouse Sarah Palin the way a trip to the jewelry store would excite most normal women.

In the midst of it all was the gigantic “educational aquarium,” which would not have been out of place at Sea World. I think they mean educational in the sense of how lobbyists “educate” politicians on various issues of importance to the public (not to mention themselves), such as, to pick a not exactly random example, the God-given right of everyone to own a gun. Or an entire arsenal.

Then I saw the object that had caught my eye in the ad. It was a Daisy BB gun, just like the ones my elementary school classmates used to shoot birds and squirrels and the occasional window. And it was only $29.99! And they even had some in pink! What is the educational message here?

On my trip back to Singapore we passed through Houston, and I noticed a very small Badass Pro Shop right there in the airport. What luck! I moseyed in and noticed that they sold mostly clothing and small items. I asked the lady who worked there if they sold any guns. She said not at that outlet, in a matter of fact tone that suggested she thought it wouldn’t be unusual to buy guns in a major international airport. I also spotted a Red Head Neck Pillow (you read it right, not a Redneck Head Pillow as you might expect) in a nice camouflage pattern for only $9.88. You wouldn’t want the friggin’ deer to see you napping, would you?

WikiLeaks

2010-12-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

This whole WikiLeaks thing reads like a James Bond plot. Julian Assange looks like a typical James Bond villain, and even his name sounds like it came straight from Ian Fleming’s pen. A brilliant hacker and maladjusted man of mystery with a checkered past, he is a hero to some and a scourge to many. His plot is not to steal gold or an advanced weapon and use extortion or blackmail to dominate the world. It is to use the modern day version of wealth in the form of information, possibly to bring down governments.

One expects to see 007 chasing him down the Swiss Alps on skis, with machine gun bullets kicking up snow all around him. Then, back at the chalet, a brief encounter and some witty repartee before one escapes from the other. Assange does not live in a fantastic hideout beneath the sea, but his whereabouts are never known. Maybe he does live in a fantastic hideout beneath the sea, with hundreds of soldiers prepared to do his bidding and die for him.

So when it was announced that he has turned himself in, I was sceptical. It seems too easy. It’s also taxing to keep up with the latest accounts of this story, an example of truth being stranger than fiction. I think I’ll just wait for the movie to come out.

Thanksgiving Day

2010-12-06T15:25:00.000-08:00

We recently celebrated Thanksgiving, a day when I especially miss home. In Miami we would have the extended family gather for a huge meal of roast turkey and stuffing, mashed potatoes, vegetables, apple pie and other desserts, and football on TV and in the street. My Singaporean Thanksgiving usually features a roast chicken in place of its larger cousin, stuffing, and apple pie if we can find one, and that’s about it. This year’s meal was even less. I had a massive buffet lunch (one of the perks turned occupational hazards of being a trainer) and had little room for dinner, so we had chicken rice, with chilli instead of cranberry sauce. If I ever get less traditional than that I could not in good conscience even call it Thanksgiving.

In the US nearly every radio station plays “Alice’s Restaurant” at least once on Thanksgiving Day, and never on any other occasion. This is an 18-plus minute song/story performed by folk singer Arlo Guthrie, whose folk singer father, Woody Guthrie, is best known for another American folk standard, “This Land is Your Land.” “Alice’s Restaurant” is about a memorable Thanksgiving when Arlo and his pal helped their friend Alice dump some garbage and got arrested for littering. Some time later, at the neighborhood draft office (this being during the Vietnam War, or as the Vietnamese call it, the American War), Arlo found himself deemed unfit to serve in the army and shoot people because of his littering conviction. It’s impossible to capture the flavor of the song in a paragraph, but the curious reader is directed to Youtube.

This Thanksgiving I decided to make “Alice’s Restaurant” part of our family tradition. After our chicken rice, I fired up the computer and played the video for Cherisse. She found it boring, so we tried Woody’s version of “This Land is Your Land.” Cherisse found this boring too, so we tried the Bruce Springsteen version. Same result. I guess she’s just not ready for it, so I’ll try again in a year or two.

However, I did tell her the story and its significance. “Alice’s Restaurant” has become an anthem of certain important American values, namely civil disobedience, questioning authority, independent thinking, and standing up against injustice. However, these are not particularly Singaporean values. Cherisse is pretty good with the traditional Chinese values such as “calling ah mah,” which means she has to say “ah mah” whenever she greets her grandmother. It is absolutely essential to do this, and considered extremely unfilial not to. A big hug, a kiss, a handshake – no other form of greeting no matter how warm can replace the mandatory (even if perfunctory and robotic) uttering of “ah mah.” So I want to make sure her American values are similarly inculcated. In my mind, the substance of “Alice’s Restaurant” is more important than the form of the bird being gobbled.

Teach critical thinking in Singapore schools

2010-11-22T00:23:00.000-08:00

I have long felt there is a huge need in Singapore for more critical thinking. In all fairness, there is a need for this everywhere. But I can’t count how many times I have read of local people falling for the ‘magic stone’ scam, having sex with witch doctors to rid themselves of demons, and various other scams. Peddlers of slimming pills and weight loss spas of dubious – make that zero – value are making money hand over fist. Even bogus schools open, overcharge students, and disappear with alarming frequency.

The Sunday Times (known as the Straits Times the other six days of the week) had a beauty of an article about the alkaline and ionized water business. Buried in the middle of the article are comments by a local doctor noting that medical benefits of these types of water have never been recorded in any “reputable or scientific medical journal.” But one chap claims that his gout is not as severe after drinking two litres of alkaline water a day for five months. The guy didn’t say how much (or little) water he used to drink. My guess is the benefit is due to drinking large quantities of water (plain or otherwise) and/or psychology (believing is seeing).

A housewife has been drinking the stuff for five years and has not noticed any health benefits, but continues drinking it because she has become used to the taste and texture! What a compelling testimonial. But hey, maybe she is a Nobel Prize winning chemist – the article didn’t say she wasn’t!

An unidentified consumer claims alkaline water is “easier to swallow.” What kind of water did she drink before – ice?

After reading comments like these, I think alkaline water just might cause brain damage!

The piece concludes with one doctor who refers to a study showing positive health benefits. This doc, it so happens, sells alkaline water at his clinic. The reader can put two and two together.

Man in the street testimonials are OK for movies and restaurants, but for matters of science and medicine we should stick to impartial and knowledgeable authorities.

If anyone knows the identity of that ice swallowing genius, please refer her to me. I have a fabulous magic stone I’d like to sell her.

Celebrity doings

2010-11-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

The news is full of celebrity activity today. There’s the possible sale of the Beatles’ music on iTunes. Sounds good in theory, but I’d rather have the Sgt. Pepper cover to look at while listening. And some money-grubbing scum suckers have released a posthumous Michael Jackson album, which promises to be a good way to make millions selling substandard work.

Speaking of substandard work, James Blunt is in the news. He’s the guy who had a hit featuring these memorable lyrics: “You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true.” Snore. Cole Porter must be spinning in his grave. Fortunately, it isn’t music putting him in the news, but his claim that he prevented World War III. My, aren’t we important? That bizarre statement ranks with Al Gore’s alleged claim that he invented the internet.

Finally, Christina Aguilera got her very own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, joining the ranks of the greatest actors in history. What has she acted in, you wonder? Me too! It says she is in a movie opening in a few days—her very first movie! This must be a guaranteed blockbuster, for her to be so honoured before the public ever sees her on the big screen.

Oh, yeah, there was also news of this British guy who said some bad things in a book he wrote and will be spending some time in prison, but you don’t expect me to comment on that, do you? I haven’t read the book, and I don’t think I’ll find it in the shops, so what can I possibly say. I won’t be seeing Christina’s movie, or buying “Michael’s” new album, or any of James Blunt’s albums, either. But I would vote for Al Gore (again). Or Cole Porter.

Pompeii exhibit at National Museum

2010-11-05T05:46:00.000-07:00

We had a family outing at the museum to see the Pompeii exhibit. On display were a number of casts made of the original victims of the eruption of Mt Vesuvius in 79AD. It made me glad I am nowhere near Mt Merapi, currently spewing its guts out in Indonesia. I hope those villagers can run fast. There were also statues, jewelry, household items, and remnants of frescoes and mosaics from the ill-fated Roman town.

In order to appreciate these exhibits, you had to catch glimpses from behind walls of people taking photos. With flash not permitted in the gallery, how good could these photos be? Why not just buy a book if you feel you must see pictures of these items again? To me, taking photos detracts from the enjoyment of the experience.

Aside from Pompeii, there were four galleries with exhibits devoted to aspects of Singapore life. One featured clothing, and few people were in there. Perhaps this reflects the level of attention most heartlanders pay to their clothes. The gallery on local TV was deserted, and judging from the poor quality of contemporary local offerings I can only imagine how uninspiring past programming must have been. The third gallery was dedicated to photography; it too was empty, no doubt because all the photography buffs were crowding around all the other exhibits in the museum. The fourth gallery was by far the most crowded—what could the attraction be? It was all about—you guessed it—food! People were taking pictures of old coconut scrapers, noodle bowls, tea canisters, and other “museum pieces” that are still found in many Singaporean homes!

Museums are usually considered repositories of history, but they are also exhibits of contemporary life.

Computer fun

2010-10-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

It’s good to have my computer back, despite the problems it gives me. My hard disk crashed the other day. This is the second time this has happened with this particular computer. The first was just within the one-year warranty period, and this time it was a few months beyond the warranty. Three hard drives within 2½ years is not an enviable track record.

When I took it in to the service center on Alexandra Road I noticed the usual basket of cookies for waiting customers. I also noticed the coffee was no longer complimentary, and the same Pink Panther cartoons were looping on the TV screen. I liked PP as a kid, but I don’t think many adults would choose to watch it while waiting for their number to be called.

In keeping with my policy of not revealing the identity of parties who let me down I will refer to this company by the not entirely random pseudonym of GO. Some readers may recall that in Stanley Kubrick’s classic film “2001: A Space Odyssey” the name of the errant computer was HAL. This was a code which is easily solved by taking the next letter following each given one, so that HAL becomes IBM.

The counter attendant performed a quick test and determined that the hard drive was “spoy oredi,” which is Singlish for spoilt (already). He told me I could purchase a casing for $15 and he would check to see if the data could be recovered. I’m not a gambling man, but this felt like a gamble. When I was a wee lad I remember you could take a tube from the TV and test it in a machine at the hardware store, but I don’t recall my father ever having to buy the tube testing machine first. I took the bet and lost my money – the data was lost.

The rep then asked me if it was under warranty. I told him the first one had been, but I wasn’t sure if this second one was, and suggested he check his “system.” He informed me the system was down. I wonder if it is GO’s own system, or one purchased from a competitor. It was later determined that it was not covered. How much for a replacement? He gave me a figure for the part, which he emphasized was only an estimate, despite the fact that it appeared on his monitor. Perhaps the parts catalog is on a separate system. Plus $95 for labor.

I found a friend of a friend who replaced the part for about half the price (estimated). The machine is faster than ever, and this time I have a three year warranty. However, I doubt I’ll hang on to it that long, and the next one will not be a GO.

Rebellious kids and lost millions

2010-10-18T22:56:00.000-07:00

The weekend papers provide more grist for the mill. One account tells of a local businessman who lost $100 million at one of the casinos here. How can anyone throw so much money away so quickly, let alone gamble it away? Several stories about the incident have appeared in recent days, but none mentions the person's name. I think it is in the public interest to reveal his or her name, especially if he/she is part of a public company. The fact that anyone can lose so much money at one go in a casino raises serious questions about his/her judgment, recklessness, and fitness to be in a position of responsibility. I wonder if he took a free shuttle bus to the casino, or if he had to make his own way there?

Another piece told of the ingenious ways kids are modifying their school uniforms. They attach elastic bands to the blouse to make it appear tucked in, shorten the hemline, make skirts or pants tighter or baggier, and taper pant legs. Is this really a problem worthy of public debate? I believe it is, though not for the reasons you might guess.

My daughter is fortunate to attend a top school. Due to her picky eating habits, she gets lost in her navy blue uniform. It has not occurred to her (yet) to modify it. Her hair is a bit too wavy for a pageboy haircut and is rather long. Her school gives her two choices for her hair: it could be short or tied. If tied, the hairband can be dark blue or black. It cannot be green (the school's other color), or red, or pink, or yellow, or white, or multicolored. By the way, one of the school's values is CREATIVITY (pronounced "conformity").

Like kids everywhere, some resourceful Singaporean school kids have found a way to rebel against the rules, rules, rules. Next time you see a kid in a modified school uniform, give him or her a word of encouragement. Compliment them on their fashion sense or creativity. As for the straightlaced masses, don't worry. Singapore can rest easy, secure in the knowledge that the next generation of factory workers, store managers, civil servants, accountants, bank officers, and lawyers will be produced in more than sufficient numbers. I'm not sure how many artists, writers, and creative geniuses will be produced. Oh well, you can't eat a poem, can you?!

Finally! My ship came in!

2010-10-04T03:28:00.000-07:00

Some of you may recall my account of our reunion dinner at a seafood restaurant at Marina Bay last Chinese New Year. Dinner was not that filling, so we moseyed outside to a replica of a Mississippi riverboat, complete with big red paddle wheel astern, which is permanently moored to the dock. This is something Mark Twain would write about, or Tina Turner would sing about. In fact it is a Tex-Mex restaurant. At the time we just ordered ice cream, but my most Chinese brother-in-law, Ah Tong, surprised me by ordering a chicken chop "fried like Kentucky." Ever since then I have nurtured the hope that we might return there sometime for a family meal.

In my extended Chinese family we always celebrate birthdays with a family meal at the restaurant of the birthday boy’s or girl’s choosing. Birthday after birthday went by, and we always celebrated at a hotel buffet with Chinese and international cuisine. Ah Tong must have forgotten about the boat, despite my frequent hints, and we ended up in one of our usual haunts for his birthday last month. Then my birthday rolled around. There were many hints about wonderful hotel buffets, Japanese buffets, Thai buffets, but guess what? We went to the boat!

This was an experience. We had a Filipino waitress, an Indian cook and kitchen crew, and country music. It was hard to hear the music because there was also a piano, and six little pairs of hands banging away on it (Cherisse and her two very Chinese [despite their names] cousins, Chelsea and Valencia [named after their dad’s two favourite soccer teams]). Ah Tong and his girls had the chicken chops and ice cream, Cherisse had a hot dog, and my mother-in-law gamely went for a barbecued chicken. This was an important test for her, as she will be joining us on our trip to Miami this December. Brother Terence bravely fought off a bout of motion sickness (it is a boat, and it rocks very slightly) to join the rest of us in the Tex-Mex buffet, including turkey quesadillas, chicken tacos, nachos, Buffalo wings, fajitas, baked salmon, baby back ribs, and that American favourite, French onion soup (sans melted cheese). Curiously, there was no salsa or guacamole. The food wasn’t exactly gourmet, but there aren’t many places you can find such a menu on a paddlewheel riverboat in Singapore. On the plus side, the meat on my ribs fell off the bones, and we had the whole boat to ourselves – not a single other diner came aboard the entire afternoon!

This restaurant must have more customers on ladies’ night, or when the piano duo performs, or at happy hour, or they wouldn’t still be in business. After so many hotel buffets, we will remember this outing.

Mooncake madness

2010-09-26T02:45:00.000-07:00

Twelve years ago I tried my first mooncake. It was a small red bean number baked in New York and purchased at Lucky’s Oriental Market in Miami. For my American readers, it was like a large, round Fig Newton. Then my girlfriend (now wife) sent me a box of four assorted mooncakes from Singapore, containing the usual golden/white/brown/green lotus paste with one or two dried egg yolks in the center. They tasted much nicer than the stale red bean hockey pucks.

For the next several years I looked forward to the mid-autumn festival and an ever-expanding array of mooncake offerings. Then I got tired of them, even though each year brings both new variations and the traditional warhorses.

This year brought a breath of fresh air. I was given a few mooncakes from the hotel at the new Marina Bay Sands that were the best I’ve had in years: chocolate flavored snowskins with a rich chocolate center instead of a yolk, with a hint of booze.

Some local bloggers have recently been denounced for demanding free meals from restaurants they review, bringing a large entourage, and otherwise being greedy gluttons. Let me state that I did not receive any special favors from MBS. However, if they wish to send a few chocolate snowskins my way I would not object. I would ordinarily be happy to go there myself, but with the disruptions from the F-1 race and lack of a free shuttle bus to the IR it would be most inconvenient.

Government still determined to protect heartlanders

2010-09-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

After squashing the free shuttle bus services to protect heartlanders from the evils of gambling at the IRs, the government is considering whether R-rated movies (not XXX-rated, mind you) should be shown in heartland theatres. As Chew noted in his Sunday comic strip, people can still watch porn on the internet. And I hear it is not difficult to find porn on DVDs anywhere in Singapore or Malaysia.

Saturday afternoon I took the train and actually got a seat! That may be due to the fact that I got on at Bukit Gombak, the first station after Bukit Batok, which was closed for upgrading, so a lot of people were taking other transport. Anyway, as I headed north I realized that there is a train station just outside the race track. Isn’t the government concerned that heartlanders can easily disembark there and gamble away their life savings? It is clear that only foreigners’ money is fit to be gambled away.

Which leads me to my latest suggestion, which I am sure will be ignored like all of my other carefully thought out ideas: They should open a room of gaming tables and slot machines at the airport. All foreigners should be required to buy a certain amount (say $100) of chips and gamble them away before clearing customs. If they happen to win any money it can be heavily taxed on the spot.

End of the line

2010-09-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

That was fast! One day (or less) after the “investigation” into heartland shuttle buses to the IR was announced, the casino has terminated the service “voluntarily.” However, the buses will still run from the central business district. So all that the aunties and uncles who want to blow their life’s savings at the craps table need to do is catch a bus or train downtown.

According to the ST, the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports announced that it would stop this shuttle bus menace in an announcement made at 1.30am! It’s good to know the government never sleeps. No doubt they wanted to get it in before the paper went to press today. Or maybe the casino found out that most riders didn't go to gamble, and they made a "business decision" to stop the wasteful practice.

Is this really going to do any good? There are long queues of people waiting to buy lottery tickets at supermarkets, 7-11’s, and other outlets island-wide every day. This is a country where people will note down the tag number of vehicles involved in traffic accidents so they can buy those numbers. (I never understood that – I guess the thinking is bad luck for him, good luck for me.) But they won’t be able to go to the IR on the casino’s dime anymore.

There are cruise ships that offer free overnight cruises to nowhere with onboard gambling, and these are supported largely by uncles and aunties. They don’t provide free shuttle buses (that I know of). Still, I think their luck is about to get better.

No such thing as a free ride?

2010-09-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I’ve written here, but this morning’s Straits Times has spurred me on. The headline reads: Ministry probes free bus rides to casinos. The story says the government is “investigating” free shuttle bus service offered by the two casinos, or "integrated resorts." They don’t seem to have a problem with the shuttle service between the airport and some high-end hotels and the casinos, which helps siphon money out of the pockets of tourists; the concern is over shuttle buses between heartland neighbourhoods and the casino.

Note that all Singaporeans (and PRs) have to pay $100 to enter a casino. If they are willing to do that, a few bucks to get there is not an issue.

ST reporters went on 17 free shuttle rides between heartland stops and a casino. They estimated that during the day one out of seven riders went directly from the bus into the casino, and at night two out of five riders went into the casino. So the majority are getting a free ride and are not even gambling, yet the casinos still offer the service.

The investigation seems to be concerned with whether the public was informed of the service by mailers, which might constitute targeting Singaporeans to patronise the casinos, which is a no-no. Well, now the whole country knows.

By the way, there was recently much debate over whether businesses should be prohibited from stuffing mailboxes with mostly unwanted mailers touting plumbing, tuition, real estate, and other services. The debate has subsided but the deluge of paper has not.

My guess is the investigation is primarily to test which way the wind is blowing. I say let the buses roll. Not just because grownups can make up their own minds, but because someone is actually doing something to improve transportation. A free shuttle bus is always a good thing, especially when you consider how difficult and expensive it is to get to Sentosa.

This year’s NDP song, and the state of the arts

2010-07-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

Last year I was unusually pleased with the National Day Parade song entitled "What Do You See" by local rock band Electrico. I expressed disappointment that it did not seem to get the nonstop airplay that previous songs were favoured with, no doubt because it wasn’t the bland, formulaic, play it safe, let’s-try-to-make-everyone-happy-or-at-least-not-alienate-anyone style that usually characterizes these songs. Back then I made a prediction: “I'm betting that next year's official song will reflect a return to tradition--and be lamer than ever. My head hurts just thinking about it.”

Well, here we are, one year later. This year’s song is out. Unfortunately, I was right. This year’s tune is a bore. At least the first half is; I can’t be sure about the second half because I’ve never stayed awake long enough to hear it!

There’s also a song and video for the Youth Olympic Games being held on our fair island. In it a local songstress, unknown beyond these shores, shares the stage with a few other performers from around the world, including Sean Kingston. I’m not a big fan of his, but even I recognize that he is a global talent. Yet in the video he seems to take a back seat to the hometown girl made good. I feel embarrassed for both of them.

On another musical note, there has been talk to make the dreaded vuvuzela part of the YOG and other local sporting events. For my fellow Americans who don’t watch soccer and hence probably don’t know what a vuvuzela is, it is an elongated horn made of cheap plastic that is blown by fans at South African soccer matches. Here it is in action. [photo from Wikipedia]

Please, please, please do not start this business here. Not only because it sounds annoying – which should be reason enough – but more importantly because it has been overdone already. If you want to make noise, bang two coconuts together, or strangle a chicken, or pop bubble wrap – just do something original!

One local artist recently lamented that he was poor because he was a true artist here, or something to that effect. Brother, I feel your pain.

Hong Kong Holiday

2010-06-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

I recently took a weeklong vacation in Hong Kong with the wife and kid, and here's what happened. It's a rather long account, so I have included an executive summary for those who prefer a thumbnail sketch.

Executive summary:
Jumbo seafood, dim sum, Victoria Peak, Repulse Bay, beach fashion, Stanley Market, reflexology, more dim sum, Macau, egg tarts, 10,000 Buddhas, give or take a few thousand, old town in New Territories, dog growls, Cherisse howls, Margarete scowls, still more dim sum, Soho, Kowloon, Temple Street, Goldfish Street, Flower Street, Nathan Road, spaghetti.

We arrived in Hong Kong on a Friday afternoon and took a bus from the airport to our hotel in the western part of the island. Getting around Hong Kong is quite easy. Parts of the city have old double-decker electric trams (like the San Francisco cablecars) running down the middle of the street, and there is an extensive train system. We took many trips on the train at various times of the day, including evening rush hour, and were never once packed in tightly like I am in Singapore. And we were able to board every train that arrived, without having to wait for one that wasn’t already packed to capacity. The bus system is also good, and there are many taxis. However, we were able to get around quite easily without taking a taxi.

We had a small suite, which was more spacious than most accommodations in the city, although the shower was cramped and resembled a glass coffin standing upright. The tram stopped right outside our hotel and took us to the city center. We walked around the city and took a sampan (an old wooden boat) to the floating Jumbo Seafood Restaurant (left). This is an ornate, three-story ship-like structure with a few dining rooms covering several acres. We weren’t in the mood for a jumbo meal, so we sailed back to the city and found a ramen shop for dinner, then returned for a walk around our hotel neighborhood.

Our neighborhood was an older part of the city, which is a nice way of saying it was sort of rundown but not a slum. Most HK buildings are not painted regularly or well-maintained and are eyesores. The streets are largely litter free and bustling, lined with all kinds of small shops, restaurants, 7-Elevens, purveyors of shark fins and other Chinese remedies, and reflexology joints. We stopped in a small supermarket for fruit and yogurt for the next morning, but the pickings were slim. “Supermarket” is quite a stretch given the small selection; “barely passable market” is more like it. Found some pears and yogurt and returned home.

Next morning we had dim sum in the neighborhood. That’s what Hong Kongers do every morning – they have dim sum for breakfast. This became our morning ritual, though it was more of a noontime ritual – bear in mind that I was accompanied by two women, ages six and ?, so a late start was par for the course. At least I had a pear and yogurt for breakfast. Most of the dim sum was pretty good, though I would have preferred to duck into one of the many bread shops to grab a few rolls or pastries and get an earlier start. Cherisse would have too, as she is not a big dim sum fan.

In our family, dim sum works like this. I order a couple of steamed items, knowing Margarete will order a bunch more and I will have to help her eat them. I always end up having to eat more than I really want. So Margarete eats one siew mai (pork dumpling) and I eat three, Margarete eats one char siew pau (barbecued pork bun) and I eat two, and so on until Margarete is full and I am overstuffed. Cherisse will complain that she doesn’t like any of it, and might end up with an egg tart.

We took the faithful tram to town and went to Victoria Peak. This is atop a mountain (though technically it may be just a big hill), and you get to the top by riding in another tram, newer and more spacious than the ones plying the streets. This thing ascends at about a 40 degree angle, which is pretty steep. This gives the illusion that the buildings outside are toppling over. A lot of people live in these buildings, which must be pretty expensive and have fantastic views. At the top of the peak is a shopping mall of about six stories. Nothing interesting there – Burger King, Sunglass Hut, 7-Eleven, some electronics stores, gift shops selling the same touristy junk as Chinatown, and the bane of every shopping mall in the world: a Swarovski crystal store. Who the hell buys all these crystals, anyway?

After ascending the five or six mall escalators we came to the observation platform and enjoyed a spectacular view of skyscrapers below us (left). Had the air been clearer we probably could have seen for miles. Yep, the air in Hong Kong is not that clean, and is hard to breathe after a few days.

After looking at buildings, hills, sea, and air, and taking a few obligatory photos, we took the tram back down and boarded a bus for Repulse Bay, so named for a battle in which the British repulsed the enemy. I will resist the urge to make an anti-British joke here.

Repulse Bay is a beach area with some upscale homes and lots of tourists. The tourists walk onto the beach fully clothed, often carrying umbrellas to shield themselves from the sun, and take photos. It seems that most of them have never seen sun, sand, or sea before. About 5% of the people were in swimming attire and either sunbathing or frolicking in the surf like normal beachgoers. The bay is protected by a net to keep out sharks. If I were a shark in an area where my fellows have their fins cut off and are left to die I would be out for blood, too.

This place was hot, so we ducked into a 7-Eleven. 7-Elevens are very popular in Asia, and in Hong Kong you can stand in any randomly chosen spot at see four or five of them. Most do not have Slurpee machines, but this one had a three-spouted one – how advanced! In addition to the usual cola and green apple flavors, they had banana. I never had that before and had to try it. Poor Cherisse – she likes Slurpees but hates bananas, so she had ice cream.

Having partially beaten the heat, we got on another bus to Stanley Market. This is an area with a few winding paths lined with tourist shops, art galleries, clothing stores, and Western restaurants. There are a lot of tourists here, drinking beer, watching soccer, and eating pizza, sandwiches, and everything except Chinese cuisine.

At this point we were quite tired of walking around, so we went back to the neighborhood for dinner at a local dive. The food was decent and reasonably priced. I should mention that there are few tourists in the area. Then we went for a reflexology session. This involves soaking your feet in a tub of hot water, then getting them kneaded and massaged by a woman with very powerful hands. A relaxing end to a long day of walking.

The next day was Sunday, and we got out early (before nine!) to take a ferry to Macau. Macau, formerly a Portuguese colony, is (like Hong Kong) a special administrative region of China. It looks like any other Chinese area, but with more Catholic churches. We decided to wander about free and easy rather than take a tour, and started in the old town area with the Church of St. Paul (left). This is really just the facade of a church that used to be there, with a lot of steps full of tourists taking photos. We walked around the winding cobblestone streets eating Portuguese egg tarts (small pie shells filled with custard that are famous in the district) before settling on a local dive for lunch. The specialty is fried rice with eel and crab roe, which was decent but not great. Then we found another church that looked like a poor cousin of a European cathedral, but still nicer than most modern churches.

Afterwards we walked to the casino district and ventured into the new wing of the grand old dame, the Casino Lisboa. This place was really opulent, with many spectacular pieces of Chinese art. There were urns, statues, and huge, elaborate carvings of ivory, jade, and wood. Cherisse didn’t have her fake ID, so we couldn’t get onto the gaming floor. I’m sure it was a gambling frenzy in there. We took the ferry back in time for dinner in the neighborhood and another reflexology session.

Monday began with noonish dim sum as usual, followed by a ride on the MTR (train/subway system) to the New Territories. This area is more remote. We visited the Temple of 10,000 Buddhas, which is a series of small sanctuaries going up a mountain. One of them had thousands of small Buddha statues lining the walls in niches, though I don’t think there were ten thousand of them. Then we walked to a mall full of modern furniture stores, with a lot of stuff nicer than we have in Singapore.

We weren’t in the market for furniture, so we took a small bus down a series of one-lane streets to the remains of a 12th century village. Much of the original wall surrounding the village is still standing, along with some old temples and houses under restoration. Within the walls are also some newer homes with actual residents living within. We entered a walkway guarded by a big brown dog. The construction workers outside assured us he was harmless; anyway, he was asleep. Defying the “Do not enter” signs, we walked around the compound. A few more large dogs appeared, and it was too late to ask the workers about their disposition. I am not afraid of dogs, though I noticed one was growling in a menacing fashion. I was mentally evaluating our options, but Cherisse acted first – she screamed. This didn’t help, so I decided to walk slowly and avoid making eye contact with the beast, with Cherisse clinging to the back of my leg. Margarete seemed disappointed that I was not bulky enough to shield her completely as well, and followed nervously at a distance. I guess the dogs were convinced that we were not a threat, and we made it back to the little road and hopped on the next bus.

We got out at the train station. This was very much like in Singapore, where the train station is under a neighborhood mall full of fast food outlets, bubble tea stalls, bread shops, cheap clothing stores, and 7-Elevens. The mall is surrounded by tall blocks of flats and is populated by kids in school uniforms spending their pocket money on snacks. We bought some cherries at a little fruit stall and rode back home.

We had a short rest before taking the tram to the city center and ascending what is billed as the world’s longest covered escalator. It is actually a series of covered outdoor escalators leading up the hill to the nightclub district and Soho, a trendy restaurant district. This area is peopled with local yuppies and expats. We found a nice Italian restaurant that served wonderful bread, and I had a good lasagna with layers of pasta, minced beef in tomato sauce, and cheese – without the peas and carrots found in Singapore lasagna. Cherisse was delighted with her spaghetti and left nary a strand on her plate. Margarete also had a nice linguini with clams and a bowl of lobster bisque, and we were all pleased with our selection. Then we strolled around the city’s alleys, lined with little shops and stalls, before heading home for the night.

Tuesday we loaded our bags onto the train and moved across the water (under the water, actually) to a boutique hotel on the Kowloon side, just north of Hong Kong island. This was not as roomy, but was nice and had a normal sized shower. It was in a bustling neighborhood filled with neon signs and tourists. However, our daily program of dim sum and exploring was the same.

There are several streets with different themes. Temple Street is much like Chinatown in Singapore or anywhere else, with streets lined with stalls selling souvenirs, clothing, belts, handbag copies, watch copies, fruit, snacks, etc. Over the next two days we also meandered down similar streets.

Goldfish Street was lined with shops selling all kinds of freshwater and saltwater tropical fish. Many of them, including relatively expensive specimens, were sealed in small plastic bags hanging from racks outside the shops. Cherisse and I decided we are definitely going to get an aquarium soon. We also took a quick walk down the flower market street, but skipped the bird market street due to time constraints.

The main street in our Kowloon neighborhood is Nathan Road. This is very touristy, and you cannot walk down this street without being overwhelmed by touts imploring you to visit their tailor shop to be fitted for a shirt or suit, or to check out their handbag copies and watch copies (“counterfeit” and “fake” are bad words here). I actually did consider getting a shirt made, but I didn’t think they could make a T-shirt that said “No, I don’t want a shirt, suit, handbag copy or watch copy.” I don’t think it would have made a difference anyway.

One night we took a bus to Sai Kung, a fishing village known for its strip of seafood restaurants. These places all look the same, with indoor and outdoor eating areas and large banks of aquariums containing live seafood of all kinds to be cooked and consumed on the premises (left). We had a good meal featuring a whole steamed fish, large steamed shrimp, crabs, some small abalone, some kind of crayfish-like crustacean, and a green vegetable. Cherisse would have none of this, so she had a plate of fried rice. She pretty much had her fill before the seafood arrived, but she patiently waited for us to finish a rather lengthy meal. We decided to reward her good behavior by letting her choose the next night’s meal, which would be our last in Hong Kong.

On our final night the American 1½ of our family was rebelling against the Chinese 1½, and Cherisse chose a local chain serving Italian food. It wasn’t as good as the place in Soho, but Cherisse thoroughly enjoyed her spaghetti, and my spaghetti in squid ink with scallops and fish roe was not bad. Margarete had cannelloni stuffed with spinach and crab meat in cream sauce and a mediocre lobster bisque, and at least two of us were happy with the meal.

Arising early the next morning, we took a bus to the airport and headed home. It feels good to breathe again.

Red Shirts Invade Singapore!

2010-05-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

An army of red shirts have occupied the MRT stations. They don’t appear to be from Thailand, they seem very local. I noticed them when I rode the MRT the other day. Their job is to herd people into the trains, admonishing them to squeeze in. I’ve heard that they have such people herders in Japan, and they forcibly shove people into the trains, though I can’t say for sure. But it hasn’t come to that in Singapore – yet.

In the last year or so, as the country has been gearing up for the opening of the two casinos, I mean, integrated resorts, it seems every Chinese soap opera has had a story line about the evils of gambling. The family of the gambling addict ends up as wiped out as if a nuclear bomb had been dropped on their formerly happy home, only the message on these shows is not quite as subtle as an actual nuclear explosion.

How to connect the preceding two paragraphs? You may think that when you tap your fare card on the turnstile you are buying a ride on the train, but in fact you are merely gambling on the chance of getting on the next train. At certain times you may watch two trains go by without any hope of getting on. Once you do get on, your chances of getting a seat are pretty slim.

I’d love to be able to get rid of my car, which is nothing more than a huge tax bill on four wheels. But every time I get on the train I long to be back in the thick of Singapore traffic. And you know how I hate Singapore traffic.

It’s easy to complain. I’d rather propose a solution. My last proposal for the MRT – playing musical chairs at every station so everyone has a fair chance of getting a seat – was not well received. In any case, it hasn’t been implemented. So I don’t expect much with this proposal either: Fire the red shirts, get some dogs to herd the people into the trains, and use the money saved to run more trains.

Doing Business Slowly

2010-05-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

As we were twenty minutes early for Cherisse’s violin lesson this morning we decided to stop at the bank and make a small deposit. Cherisse makes her big annual deposit right after Chinese New Year, when she collects more money than I ever saw until I was in my early twenties. But the tooth fairy has been making a few visits lately, so I figured a trip to the bank might be a good experience for her.

This bank had three separate queues: one for their priority customers, one for corporate accounts, and one for us regular slobs. There are ropes for crowd control, and the posts from which these ropes are suspended have small signs advising us to be patient, and the first one predicts we will be served in 15 minutes, while the next one estimates 10 minutes. There is no sign before the 15 minutes marker, meaning you could spend a few hours there. There are no clocks visible to remind you of how your life is passing you by as you wait for slow customers to be served by slow tellers.

We got into the queue just after the 10 minute mark. Several other non-priority and non-corporate customers arrived afterwards, extending the queue to what would have been the 25-30 minute mark. There was one lone teller assigned to serve us all, except for the two special lanes. In the priority lane was an Indian woman who remained there the entire time we were in the bank. Judging from the complexity of her transaction, I believe she was a member of the Mittal family and was financing the purchase of a new steel mill.

In fact, I get the impression that Singapore is a nation of billionaires, because nearly everyone took a long time to do their business. It seems this is always my experience whenever I go to the bank. I’m the only one who can get my business done in under three minutes. Maybe I need to increase my fees.

Periodically an employee from the back room would come out to one of the three tellers and do something before returning to the back room. She would walk with military precision, with her head straight, straining to avoid all eye contact with customers. Were she to meet a customer’s glare there might be some tacit recognition of the need to sit herself down at one of the several empty stations and start serving customers. I wonder what goes on in that back room? I imagine a bunch of employees are watching us customers on closed circuit TV, laughing at our pained expressions.

Our estimated 10-15 minute wait approached 20 minutes before we were served. Cherisse asked me what the bank’s initials stood for. I replied: Doing Business Slowly. (I have a policy of never identifying businesses I write about if the experience is less than flattering!)

Why not move our business to another bank? Like the People-Only-Standing-By-while-the-queue-stretches-out-the-door-and-down-the-street bank? I’ve thought about it, but they all seem pretty much the same. Singaporeans are used to waiting in queues, so why should any business waste money to serve their customers faster?

So our little adventure was instructive after all. Cherisse learned that banks only care about money, not people. And I learned that taking her to the bank once a year is maddening enough, but any more than that is insane. We’ll just hold on to all future gifts from the tooth fairy until after Chinese New Year 2011.

Going Green

2010-04-27T02:38:00.000-07:00

You may be wondering what Singaporeans are doing to save planet earth. I’m happy to report there is quite a bit of recycling going on. Unfortunately, it’s happening in the wrong places.

Most of the recycling is happening on TV. For several months you could watch snippets of “popular” commercials in between TV shows and even during regular commercial breaks. Yes, commercials of commercials. You were invited to text in your vote for the best commercial. The voting period lasted almost forever. If there’s anything worse than an annoying jingle running through your head, it’s five annoying jingles in a certain sequence, so you can anticipate the other four as soon as you hear the first one! I came very close to hurling my TV out the window, killer litter police be damned. After the balloting was completed, the results were announced in another torrent of commercials lasting several weeks more. Either they’re running out of programming, or they want to reward their advertisers, or they want to pat themselves on the back, or they want to make money from phone charges. Or they want to recycle!

With that nightmare finally out of the way, what can they show now? There was one recent show comparing expensive and cheap versions of certain items, like mattresses. I think they made four episodes. As soon as the last one ran, they began running the entire series again! I don’t think they took even one week off. Recycling!

Not long ago there was an international theatrical production about fat thighs, hot flashes, and other women’s problems. It was supposed to be funny, but the commercials for it were so unfunny and boring it made me drowsy. I’m glad I know where to get a cheap mattress. A few months later it was back for another run! Recycling!

A local theatrical production with a hallowed past is also back for yet another encore run!

And the Chinese TV star award show was just on, using the same annoying theme music it always uses! A fanfare of fifteen notes, repeated endlessly. Recycling! Can’t they get the national tunesmith (the guy who writes almost all of the annual National Day songs) to come up with something new?

But what about real efforts to go green? Well, there has been a movement to eat local. By this they mean eat locally produced eggs, chicken, pork, etc. Or at least food trucked in from Malaysia, as opposed to flown in from Australia. [Note: They advertise air flown pork – how else would it fly, through the water?!]

This is all wrong! If you want to save the planet, eat local – as in, near your house. Every Singaporean has a food court or coffee shop within fifty paces of their home. And they all have the same food – rice and noodles with assorted toppings and gravies, curry, seafood, and Muslim and Indian food. But people won’t go downstairs to eat. They will get in their car and drive halfway across the country to buy a three dollar packet of rice or noodles from some other food stall that’s supposedly better! That explains why traffic is worse on Saturday afternoon than during rush hour on a weekday morning. Countless tons of carbon emissions are shot into the air every day by people driving around for food they can get just outside their door! If you’re serious about going green, support your nearest hawker!

Growing Old in Singapore

2010-04-20T02:33:00.000-07:00

There’s talk of turning Pulau Ubin into a retirement village. Located a few minutes by bumboat from Singapore proper, this island is known for its kampung flavour. In other words, these folks could spend their final years in much the same environment as their childhood years.

In the US when people move to a retirement community the men usually get a white belt and white shoes. I have no idea why, but almost all of them do. I wonder if Pulau Ubin newcomers will don sarongs?

Overall, I like the concept. I just hope they have a Shop ‘N’ Save there. Many elderly Singaporeans would be lost without this supermarket. It gives out a sticker for every $15 dollars spent. When you fill a card with 12 stickers ($180 worth) in one month you get a 5% rebate ($9). I never spend enough at this place to fill a card so I give my stickers to the auntie at the door. Yes, there is an auntie who stands just outside the store asking people for these stickers. As she is always there when I go there, she must spend hours a day every day pursuing this hobby. I’m not sure how long it takes for her to fill a card, or how much groceries she buys every month, but it seems like a hard way to stretch her food budget.

A few meters away is another auntie doing the same thing. If they get too close they hiss at one another. Gotta protect your turf! Though SORRI has not conducted a comprehensive survey, I have noticed this occurring at more than one outlet. What an undignified way to spend your Golden Years. And in a country that supposedly reveres the elderly.

Of course, retiring to Pulau Ubin is not for everyone, only those who can afford to actually retire.
Taxi fares in Singapore are low compared to most developed countries. You could say that cab drivers are subsidizing the nation’s growth. And what does the nation do for them when they’re old? Why, it allows them to keep on driving their cabs into their seventies!

And we’ve all seen elderly folks cleaning tables at hawker centers and sweeping up litter. No rest for these weary, until they find it in the grave. But maybe they prefer to live a life of purpose rather than loafing around the mahjong table.

There seems to be an abhorrence of the very idea of a welfare state, which is understandable. I don’t understand how this justifies taking the opposite extreme, and making old people toil every day of their lives.

On the plus side, there might be a need for taxi drivers and table cleaners in the retirement village.

Gong xi fa cai, pardner

2010-02-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

Who says the Chinese New Year routine has to be the same every year?

This year we went to one of our favorite Chinese seafood restaurants for the reunion dinner. Normally, this place is better than most, and there are few people dining there. The manager runs around an extra mile or two until his white dress shirt is plastered to his body with sweat, and we return now and then.

But on the eve of CNY the place was packed. I'll bet they had way more bodies in there than the fire code permits as they tried to make a killing on their big night. As a result, the food was slow in coming out, and the portions seemed smaller. While the health conscious few recommend eating until you are only 80% full, that won't fly with our party. Most of our group like to eat until they are 180% full. So we left with room to spare.

We took a walk outside to a replica of a Mississippi riverboat, complete with big red paddle wheel astern, which is permanently moored to the dock. In the past we had assumed it was a floating restaurant with karaoke rooms. Turns out it is a Tex-Mex restaurant, serving baby-back ribs, quesadillas, and fajitas (kind of like a Mexican popiah). On weekends a woman sings lounge music accompanied by a pianist. We just ordered ice cream - a lot of ice cream.

And then there came the big break with tradition. My brother-in-law, Ah Tong, ordered a chicken chop "fried like Kentucky." This was the first time in twelve years that I ever saw him eat Western food. In fact, I have seen him walk out of Chinese restaurants without eating because the food wasn't Chinese enough for his taste! And he liked it! There is a glimmer of hope that we might actually go back there sometime for a family meal.

The next day as we assembled for the annual round of family visits Tong was wearing a pair of jeans. I haven't seen him wear long pants since his wedding. And Ah Ma was also wearing a pair of jeans - another first!

I always thought that CNY was the same old same old every year. At least I had that impression after eleven go rounds. But even a very traditional family on a very traditional occasion can surprise you. I can't wait to see what happens next year!

Or maybe I wasn't wrong about SingPost

2010-02-10T17:19:00.000-08:00

SingPost has announced that it will stop collecting and delivering mail on Saturdays, beginning in May. While the move is not terribly disruptive, it could be a sign of things to come. Will they soon cut back to a Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule?

It would also help if their boxes were more accessible. I stumbled on this one in the Kaki Bukit area, largely hidden in the shrubbery. A team of commandos would have trouble posting a letter here!

I was wrong about SingPost

2010-01-30T00:23:00.000-08:00

Among the various Chinese New Year mailings looking for a piece of the consumer's buck, I found a nice five-fold mini-catalog printed on good quality stock. Entitled shop@post, "where great shopping begins," it claims to be "Ushering in the Lunar New Year with Great Buys!" The familiar Singapore Post logo is in the corner.

What are some of these great buys? There's two different models of electric steamboat pot, a Black & Decker cordless drill, a range of abalone gift sets, a variety of phones and walkie talkies, and a mini car fridge. There's even a 26" LCD/DVD combo, which I think is also a TV although it doesn't say. I can also go online for more selections.

I can place my order at any of 62 post offices island-wide, drop it in any post box, order online, or visit any SAM or SAMplus. SAM stands for self-service automated machine. I used to be able to buy stamps from them, but they no longer take small change and there is always a super long queue of people waiting to do all kinds of non-mail related things. I don't know what SAMplus does, though presumably it offers more than the regular SAM. Maybe it also sells stamps or shines shoes.

So my prediction that SingPost would shut down its mail service altogether is probably wrong. It needs the mail to deliver its catalog! So here's my revised prediction: SingPost will expand its retail offerings and soon I will be getting a shop@post catalog the size of the Yellow Pages.

The Straits Times reports today that SingPost's third-quarter profits jumped 20.6 per cent. Of that, mail revenue declined 1.2% while retail revenue increased by 4.1%. Only 4.1%? They need to be more aggressive in their marketing! I'm sure they will be.

SingPost forges ahead

2010-01-13T02:58:00.000-08:00

I stopped at the post office today to buy stamps. Miraculously, they had a few on hand. Probably not many, as they need to make room for their other inventory. The latest new products for sale there include irons (for clothes, not golf), hot water boilers, and Chinese New Year gift boxes of abalone, shark's fin soup, etc. This particular branch did not have a cafe, like most bookstores now have, but some of the branches do. I predicted this some time ago.

I've noticed that machines that used to let you weigh letters and purchase stamps no longer take coins. The list of functions performed at the post office continues to grow. You can renew your magazine subscription, pay insurance premiums, get a dog license, pay bills and fines, and do all kinds of non-mail related things. The mail business just gets in the way.

SingPost is hell bent on becoming a conglomerate, constantly looking for new revenue streams. Here's another prediction: One day - probably sooner than we think - they will give up delivering mail completely. You will have to use email or a delivery service to send a simple greeting card or letter.

Home again

2010-01-05T00:26:00.000-08:00

We’re back home again, after a very pleasant 3½ weeks in the States. Our flight out of Newark was delayed when a passenger decided he didn’t want to go after all, and we had to wait for his bags to be unloaded from the plane. This is not what you want to hear two days after a Nigerian tried to blow up a plane over Detroit. Then another passenger became ill, medics were called and determined he shouldn’t fly, and his bags had to be removed. Of course, when you’re talking about 30 hours of travelling, this delay was no biggie. We finally arrived in time for New Year’s Eve, which we slept through, and several days of jet lag, which we had trouble sleeping through.

Whenever I return from a trip stateside I like to bring a little bit of Americana with me. This time it took the form of an espresso maker. Not the big machine that’s been taking over office pantries, but a little metal job that looks like an hourglass. I also brought back a couple of bricks of coffee and made some Cuban coffee. It didn’t taste quite like the stuff in Miami, though. You’re supposed to put the first few drops into a tiny metal pitcher with some sugar and whip it into a froth. I didn’t get any froth, perhaps because all I had to mix it in was a porcelain Chinese teacup. We drank it from tiny porcelain Japanese sake cups. They were slightly larger than the little plastic condiment cups you get on Calle Ocho (which look like the ones you squirt ketchup into at McDonald’s), and the experience was not at all authentic. I suspect I am the first and only person ever to sip cafe Cubano from a sake glass—man, it feels great to be a pioneer.

Predictions

2009-12-18T06:34:00.000-08:00

After being back in South Florida for a couple of weeks, I have a pretty good idea of how things will shape up in the next 10-15 years.

SUVs as we know them will no longer be the monsters of the road. They will be the midgets of the road. Most people will drive around in customized buses outfitted with the following devices:

- Large flat screen TV – not for viewing when they are stopped or for the kids in the back, but for the driver, while he is driving.

- Gaming consoles – you can’t have a TV without games! For use as above. Now you can pretend to drive a car in a video game while you actually drive a real bus on the road!

- Internet access – because you need to be connected 24/7.

- Refrigerator – people gotta eat. Constantly.

- Microwave – see above.

- Roof rack – not for luggage (there are closets in the bus) or bicycles, but for scooters and power chairs, all paid for by Medicaid!

How are you going to park these behemoths at the mall? Why, in the parking lot, of course. There will be about 20 rows of parking for vehicles with handicapped decals, another row or two for people with strollers, and a couple of rows in the back for those who are still able to walk unassisted.

And what will people do to keep from dying of boredom as they walk or roll from their bus to the mall? You might think that watching out for buses driven by gaming snackers would be enough. But most people will be engaged on their hand-held devices, continuing their games, talking to loved ones on their videophone, doing their online social networking, or editing their TV show.

Yes, in a few years Facebook will not be enough, and everyone will have their own TV show. Of course they will have to watch their friends’ shows too.

You’re probably thinking, how will people have time for all of this? Won’t they have to work? In a word, no. They will all have advertising revenues streaming in from their TV shows, which will supplement their government stipends they started receiving after everyone realized the government could just print money forever.

Yes, a few people will still work. Doctors. Lawyers. Software developers. Legions of government employees. But most people will have realized there is no need to work, or to do anything productive. Let those suckers in China work!

Hot Wheels

2009-12-14T05:24:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a weekend road trip across the state. After many hours of driving I noticed that the new Ford Mustang is hot. They are all over the roads and prominently displayed in front of dealerships. And they come in bright yellow and orange, with racing stripes—color schemes not seen in decades. As Christmas approaches, a glance through the toy catalogs shows that the new Mustang is the most popular model for remote controlled cars—there is even a pink pedaled version for Barbie fans.

Not to be outdone, Chevy has reintroduced the Mustang’s traditional rival, the Camaro. The new Camaro is also available in the same bright colors and stripes.

It is heartening to see Ford and Chevy finally making cars that Americans want to buy. It makes me think these companies might have a chance of surviving these tough economic times.

But here’s the thing: the new Mustangs and Camaros look a lot like the old Mustangs and Camaros of the 1960s, when they were first built. It seems to be part of a larger nostalgia craze. And that’s what’s so troubling. People often reach back to the past when the future holds little hope.

So why does the future appear bleak? Well, aside from the poor economy and political disenchantment, I think it is because America has no big dreams.

In the past Americans looked forward to material comfort. But now we have all the cars, washing machines, TVs, and computer devices we need. We used to have great wars to win. No one cares about our current military adventures, which involve no sacrifice for most people and no life-or-death outcome for the country. We will fight as long as the politicians want us to fight, and we will leave when we are finished, or when we decide to quit, and life will go on just the same. We used to dream of going to the moon. Been there, done that.

So what great dreams wait for us at the cutting edge? Let’s see, there’s stem cell research and life sciences. But some people find all that to be against God’s will, so we’ll just let other countries be the pioneers. And there is solar and alternative energy. But hey, there’s plenty of oil left, we just have to drill for it or fight for it. So we’ll just let other countries take the lead there.

So what’s left? Well, for all those boomers who drooled over Mustangs and Camaros in the 1960s but were too young to drive, here’s your chance to relive your childhood dream. It’s probably the only big dream you have left.

Coming soon: predictions for the future.

Back in Miami

2009-12-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

I arrived in the US with the wife and kid for our annual pilgrimage. As no airplane ever made has the fuel capacity for such a long trip we had to stop in Tokyo and Houston. Narita airport is the same as always—white-gloved security personnel, clean restrooms, and glassed-in designated smoking areas filled with Japanese men barely visible through the haze. Looking into one of them reminds me of looking at a fishbowl in desperate need of a change of water.

The Houston airport was another story. With Christmas approaching, there was a small stage with a karaoke machine where travelers could sing Christmas carols with a country and western twang. Most of the singing was done by airport personnel, who were apparently unaware of what all the travelers knew: that singing should be left to the professionals.

But the most painful part of the Houston stopover was seeing Sarah Palin’s book prominently displayed in front of every bookshop and newsstand. As a writer, I can’t tell you how much that hurt. But Houstonians sure do love their guns, Bibles, and oil wells, so I can see the connection. On the plus side, I doubt they are avid readers.

At long last we made it to Miami. During the taxi ride out of the airport I noticed that the expressways are still in their usual state of perpetual construction. And why not? Large public works projects are an ideal source of graft, and Miami politicians are the most greedy and corrupt on the planet. However, I won’t make the mistake of calling them whores. The last time I did that I had to apologize. To the whores.

A trip to Dadeland Mall gave a good picture of the local inhabitants. The plastic surgeons continue to do a booming business, as one is hard pressed to find a woman whose bust has not been surgically augmented. There seems to be a pervasive sense of self-absorption.

Even the men are caught up in it, and in themselves. There is a shop called The Art of Shaving, which sells high-end shaving stuff. You can also get a shave there for $35. I don’t think I spend $35 a year on shaving cream, razor blades, and cologne, and I am a fairly well-groomed guy. Maybe the attraction of the $35 shave lies in the fact that the chair is right in the front window! It must be appealing for some guys to know people are thinking, “Hey, who’s the big shot who can afford to drop north of one grand a month to be shaved in public?” Of course, other people are thinking, “Hey, who’s the self-absorbed asshole who feels the need to have people see him getting a $35 shave?”

Obesity continues to run (or shuffle along, wheezing) amok. The mall has lots of stuffed chairs scattered around for people to rest their weary bones and gargantuan frames. (You won’t find these chairs in Singapore malls, until they find a way to charge you for sitting.) I even saw a TV commercial for The Scooter Store. Imagine a store that sells only electric scooters to propel people through the mall and around their homes! And at the risk of offending a few disabled folks who truly need these vehicles, I suspect most of the people who buy these things just need to eat much less and exercise now and then. But why bother, when you can get a machine to lug your fat ass around? [Cue the music: “In the year 2525….”]

So after a few days, here is my one sentence impression of Miami. A bunch of overweight people driving massive SUVs to the mall, with phones clamped to the sides of their heads.

This is a view of Miami I don’t get in Singapore. It explains a lot. No wonder Palin is topping the charts.

Maid in the Shade

2009-11-29T02:55:00.000-08:00

We’re getting ready for a new addition to our household. No, the missus isn’t expecting. But with Cherisse beginning primary school in January (which is half day, rather than full day like her pre-school) we will need someone at home to look after her. So we’re getting a domestic helper, commonly called a maid.

The maid agents in Singapore really know their stuff. They have data sheets on all the candidates. Most of the comments look suspiciously similar, often identical. They all love children, they all cook fried rice and their native dishes and are willing to learn Chinese and Western recipes, etc. There is even a photo, so the ma’am can decide whether to risk frightening her children or losing her husband. In fact, there is nearly everything you could ever want to know about the gal, and a good bit that you might not.

For example, the maid’s religion is noted. You can’t have some other God being worshipped in your home, could you? Some employers don’t want their maid praying five times a day—they’re paying her to work work work! And the maid’s skin tone is also indicated—either fair, tan, or dark. I have no idea why this should matter, but apparently plenty of Singaporeans are concerned about this or it wouldn’t be included on the form. If I were a maid I would resent this mightily. (You might sense that I resent this even though I am not a maid.)

But on the positive side, it’s better for your employer to be aware of your skin tone before you take out a four-figure loan to make the trip, so as to avoid being sent back for being the wrong color.

Branding Mania

2009-11-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

It's no secret that Singaporeans are brand crazy. But the government is also big on branding. The Singapore Tourism Board just unveiled their new mascot for the 2010 World Expo in Shanghai. It is a Teletubby-looking creature with a durian spiked head and a red outfit depicting a merlion. I always thought a mascot should be naturally self explanatory rather than contrived, but perhaps they should be congratulated for their restraint in not having the legend "Singapore Mascot" emblazoned on the figure.

I'm not sure why Singapore needs a mascot for their country pavilion at the Expo. I can see where the host would have one, but imagine a separate mascot for every exhibiting country running around the grounds!

According to the Straits Times, the Singapore Pavilion also has a logo of its own! I would think a sign reading "Singapore Pavilion" with the Singapore flag would be good enough to identify it.

The Land Transport Authority recently began using a set of five musical notes in conjunction with its traffic updates on the radio. Why do they need those annoying tones? To distinguish them from other transport agencies or traffic update providers? Just keeping the traffic flowing smoothly is enough, as far as I'm concerned.

Usually I try to mute the radio before the traffic report's sponsor, King Koil mattresses, plays it's own tone. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing! This is the most annoying sound I have ever heard, and I respond to it like a dog responds to a vacuum cleaner. I will have to start listening to CDs in the car instead of the radio. Even if it means driving right into a traffic jam.

And to think I pay a car radio tax of about $27 a year for this!

Standing Room Only

2009-11-22T03:06:00.000-08:00

Boarded a brand spanking new train on the MRT the other day and noticed that (lucky me!) no one was sitting at the pair of seats in the corner of the carriage, so I went for it. When I got there the mystery was made clear – there were no corner seats! They could not have been torn out, because such vandalism does not occur on these trains. A glimpse at the floor revealed that seats had never been installed there. There was enough open floor space in that car to play a soccer match, if not for the 800 or so people standing shoulder to shoulder. The trend of less seating and more standing continues. By not putting in those two seats they are probably able to cram another four or five people into the car. I’m just waiting for them to figure out how to put in overhead racks to get a few more people in there. If they ever come up with a way to get people up overhead without them falling on the standing room crowd I’m sure they will do it.

While I’m on the subject of standing around, I have long noticed that few public spaces have seating. You might find a few benches in some malls, but not much. The lobbies of office buildings are often barren. I guess they’ve figured out that people don’t spend money when they’re sitting, so the message is to keep walking and buy something.

Book Talk at Kinokuniya Saturday 31 October

2009-10-27T22:11:00.001-07:00

I look forward to meeting some folks and selling some books this Saturday at Kinokuniya at Ngee Ann City, Orchard Road between 2.00 and 3.00pm.

I will also discuss some of my wild and wonderful Singapore adventures, and perhaps even venture a few observations and opinions while trying to stay within the OB markers. Any questions from the public will also be entertained (within reason!).

So come on by, you'll have plenty of time to get into your Halloween costume afterwards.

Happy Birthday Uncle! Now Tighten Your Belt!

2009-10-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

After living here for ten years, I am reminded that I still have much to learn about Singapore. The headline in today's paper mentions a proposal to end the "widespread practice of cutting the pay of workers when they turn 60." The law allows a cut of up to 10%, and usually employers go to the max.

I had never heard of this practice until now. It seems positively barbaric, especially in a society that otherwise reveres the elderly. I wonder if those over 60 will have their pay raised to what it was when they were 59 years and 364 days old? Will they also get a lump sum to offset their previously reduced earnings?

No doubt the practice will end very soon. One thing I have learned is that when the government proposes something, it usually happens very quickly. I remember a similar headline soon after the collapse of Lehman Brothers, where the government told banks to "do the right thing." Banks immediately began throwing money at almost anyone who claimed to have been misled, and even billionaires were crying that they had been duped.

Paella Singaporeana

2009-10-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

I had a hankering for paella, so we found a "Spanish" restaurant on the river. I can tell it was a Spanish restaurant because the name sounded Spanish and the menu was written in Spanish, with English subtitles. But the cooks didn't look Spanish. Nor did the paella, for that matter. There was orange colored rice in a pan with seafood, but no lobster, the chorizo (sausage) tasted strongly of chili powder, and there were triangles of ham arranged like the topping of a Hawaiian pizza. It tasted OK, but not great. Then again, I haven't had paella for a couple of years. At any rate, it wasn't authentic.

The sangria tasted like red wine mixed with Sprite, with no fruit to be seen. It was refreshing, and Cherisse liked it, too.

To add to the latin atmosphere, three amigos performed Spanish standards. One of the guitar players looked vaguely Mexican, but he and his fellow were Malaysian, while the third was from the Philippines.

I should have known better than to expect anything authentic before sitting down in a restaurant on the Singapore River. I have been to several of these riverside restaurants over the years, dishing out all types of cuisine, and have yet to find a really good one. Most are decent, but not great. These places are touristy and are really just selling ambiance rather than good food. If you define "ambiance" as "sweating in the equatorial night while gazing at the water and colored lights."

Well, I'll be in Miami soon and will be buried up to my cabeza in Spanish menus. No doubt I'll find a good paella. No sweat!

New Brisk Walking Initiative

2009-09-28T00:58:00.000-07:00

After a week of race-induced traffic delays (how's that for an oxymoron?) I was glad to read in the newspaper today that the government has just announced a new brisk walking campaign. I must confess that I have often been frustrated by slow moving mobs in malls, MRT stations, and other public places, and have been stumped as to how to make the pace less glacial. Great news, the government is on it.

However, I'm not sure how they are going to do it. It seems that they are encouraging the spread of brisk walking clubs whereby hundreds of people would walk briskly in groups as a form of exercise. The campaign kick-off allegedly attracted 10,000 people. I'm wondering just how briskly a mob of walkers can move--rather slowly, I suspect. Which will only make the problem worse, as I will now have mobs of brisk walkers in my path wherever I go!

This is not what I had in mind at all. I was hoping they would distribute cattle prods (low voltage, of course) so we fast walkers could encourage the slower ones to get a move on. As they say in exercise circles, "No pain, no gain!"

F1 Bottlenecks

2009-09-27T02:14:00.000-07:00

The Singapore Formula One race is on. For the last several days, traffic jams and detours have plagued us regular drivers as roads are closed and reconfigured to accommodate the race drivers. It has been a huge inconvenience and waste of time for me and many others. Last year's race is said to have generated nearly $170 million in revenue. Divide that by the five million souls in Singapore, and it works out to about $35 per head. We have three heads in our family. I'm looking forward to receiving my check for $105, although it won't adequately compensate me for my trouble. Now that I think about it, I'm still waiting for last year's check.

Mooncake Madness

2009-09-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

We took a short hike along the new nature trail off Dairy Farm Road the other day. As we were starting out, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong was heading back. After we passed, Cherisse shouted "Was that really the Prime Minister?" PM Lee heard it, turned around and waved to her. The squeaky wheel always gets the grease.

The ashes from the seventh month hungry ghost celebrations have been swept away, which portends the coming of the mooncake festival. So we went to Takashimaya Shopping Center for our annual mooncake walk. The main atrium is crammed full of booths representing the various mooncake purveyors, who ply the masses with samples. These samples are barely big enough to be run through with a toothpick, but after you stop at several dozen booths you get quite full. By that time I am no longer in the mood to buy any, but tradition dictates that I buy a box for my mother-in-law, plus we need some at home in case any visitors drop by, so we leave with a few boxes.

When I first tried mooncakes 12 years ago there were basically two kinds: red bean and lotus paste. Over the years hundreds of new varieties have come along. The high point in the evolution of these treats occurred several years ago, when Haagen Dazs introduced mooncakes made from ice cream. Very good, but not really mooncakes. This year's batch features many exotic combinations, such as champagne and truffles. My favorite so far this year: The Fullerton Hotel's Chocolate and Bailey's Irish Cream Snowskin mooncake.

The price of mooncakes has risen steadily over the years. For my money, I'd rather buy some rich chocolate cake and top it with Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Not very traditional, but that is what I call dessert.

Rolling along

2009-08-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

Kudos to the Singapore government. They have finally done something about transporting foreign workers. For decades the country has benefited from the contributions of foreign workers, who build homes, roads, MRT lines, buildings, and do all kinds of manual labor for a few dollars a day. Clearly, they are a big reason for the country’s prosperity. It would be very expensive to hire Singaporeans to do this work.

Typically, the workers are ferried between their homes (dormitories at best, metal shipping containers at worst) to their job sites by lorry. For my American readers, a lorry is like a pickup truck. The workers are packed onto the bed of these trucks and chauffeured about in grand style. When it rains, they huddle under a plastic tarp. If the lorry is involved in an accident, they are often thrown out and injured or killed. Fortunately, they are easily and cheaply replaced.

Now the government has decided that they deserve better, so they have mandated new regulations requiring a railing around the sides of the truck bed, and a metal canopy to protect the workers from the elements. What a great reform this is! Of course, it is being phased in gradually, to ease the financial burden on their employers.

A couple of years ago a student died after being thrown from his school bus, and the government mandated seat belts for school buses. Hey, here’s an idea: Why not require employers to use buses with seat belts for foreign workers? That would cost money. But these workers are paid so little, surely employers could spend a bit to treat them like human beings. But that would cost money!

The other day Cherisse and I took a bus. As we climbed aboard we noticed that it was a brand spanking new, clean, modern bus. Then I noticed that it had fewer seats than the older buses, but it had plenty of room to stand, and lots of hand grips hanging from above. In that regard it was a lot like the new carriages on the MRT. Why don’t they just do away with seats altogether so they can cram more people inside? Still, it beats sitting on the back of a lorry like cargo. Even with railings and a canopy.

Sushi at City Vibe

2009-08-24T01:21:00.000-07:00

Went out for cheap sushi with the wife and kid Friday night, which is always a risky venture. Cheap sushi, that is. There are actually a few places that do pretty good 99 cents a plate sushi, but not all are created equal.

We had a flyer from this place in City Vibe and decided to try it. City Vibe sounds like a buzzing entertainment district, or at least a mid- to upscale mall like VivoCity and Velocity. In fact, it is just a slightly renovated and quite ordinary neighborhood mall trying to use a new name to lure in people who would ordinarily be wary of such places. A quick trip to the toilet (the quicker the better, believe you me) proved that the facility was well below par. Any mall trying to pass for upscale should at least have clean toilets.

The sushi joint was busy, but there was never more than three parties waiting to be seated, and for most of the time we were there (about 1½ hours) there was no queue at all. And clearly they were shorthanded on bus staff and sushi makers. Bus staff should not be a problem when there is no queue, but a shortage of sushi makers could be. And that conveyor belt looked like a ghost town. When there was sushi on it it was mostly egg or tuna salad in a bean curd wrapper. Aside from a few pieces of unagi (eel), we did not see a single piece of fish roll by until a solitary salmon specimen bade us farewell.

They do allow you to order from the waiters, but our order took over 40 minutes to arrive. Shorthanded or not, how long does it take to slap a piece of fish on a rice ball?

On the positive side, we did not get sick. And we learned that we should stick to our usual 99 cent sushi place, which is pretty good, despite its location in the Inland Revenue building. That building always gives me the creeps, but at least the toilets are clean.

Going Mad

2009-08-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

I was watching TV the other night and “Armageddon” was on for what seemed like the fourth time in the last year. Liv Tyler is cute, but she’s not that cute. Then there was “The Price is Right,” which not even Drew Carey can save, the PM’s National Day message in three languages, each with its own time slot, and “Don’t Forget the Lyrics,” which blurs the distinction between the casting couch and the psychiatrist’s couch. Where do they find these people? TV-land is truly a wasteland. And that’s just the ang moh channel.

The Chinese channel is even worse. The opening titles of their serial dramas feature a montage of one second clips drawn from virtually every scene in the entire series. Each clip depicts someone slapping, punching, strangling, or otherwise committing an act of violence upon the person of another. Cherisse loves it, much like I used to enjoy watching “The Three Stooges” as a kid.

One American show which I have heard about but not seen is “Mad Men,” which seems like a more sophisticated version of “Bewitched.” (Back in the 60s all the men were in advertising.) A throwback to a less enlightened but more elegant age. I hope the local media will pony up the dough to buy it.

Until then, I found a website that lets you cast yourself in Mad Men style. Here I am. You get to choose your hair, features, clothes, etc. That’s scotch, by the way. I was clearly born a generation too late.

I have too much time on my hands now. I’d better get back to work.

National Day weekend

2009-08-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

On Saturday morning we joined the extended family in three cars for a weekend jaunt to Malaysia. It took a relatively short two hours to clear the checkpoints in both countries, only because a lot of people left town on Friday.

I won't mention the name of resort, in case we ever go back, though I hope we don't. We stayed in a four bedroom, four bath bungalow, so it wasn't too crowded. The golf course looked pretty nice, and had monitor lizards (two-foot-long dinosaurs) lazing about. We had one of the worst buffet lunches ever, then we bowled a game and went for a swim. For dinner we had BBQ on the patio--chicken wings, fish, squid, hot dogs without buns or ketchup, plus rice and bee hoon (stir fried vernicelli noodles)--in short, the usual Singaporean BBQ. The kids ran amok until the wee hours, most of the adults played cards, and I read Lewis Black (funny guy, check him out on YouTube).

On Sunday the bowling alley was booked so we hit the driving range. Between that and the previous day's bowling I became painfully aware of all kinds of muscles I didn't even know I had. Lunch was the same lousy buffet. We left early and had an easy time getting back, because most Singaporean holidaymakers were staying until Monday.

We got home early in the evening, in time to watch part of the National Day Parade on TV. We tuned in and after a few seconds of festivities, they cut to a newscaster announcing that a bomb had been found in one of the neighborhoods. After a few seconds I decided it was a bogus anti-terror exercise, when they cut to a live action shot of underwater divers dismantling a mine and emergency vehicles arriving at the stadium. But I'll bet a lot of people thought it was real. Fortunately, there were no reports of people jumping from the roofs of their HDB flats. Coming a day after a major regional terrorist leader was reportedly killed in a shootout with Indonesian police, the gag was in extremely poor taste. Even my wife, normally a stalwart government supporter, was put off. Showing off your anti-terror readiness is one thing, but didn't they learn anything from "War of the Worlds"?

2009 National Day Parade song

2009-08-05T22:27:00.000-07:00

With Singapore's National Day (August 9th) just days away, people are busy with their final preparations. The parade participants are fine tuning their routines, the parachuters are practicing their jumps, and everyone who does not have a ticket to the parade is planning their weekend in Malaysia.

Every year a new theme song is written for the National Day Parade. Kids learn to sing it in school, and videos of it are shown on TV.

There has been a lot of debate about this year's song entitled "What Do You See" by local rock band Electrico. Some people (me included) feel the song is a breath of fresh air. But most of the press has been negative, because it is supposedly not that easy to sing. The song is slow enough, and the lyrics patriotic enough, but it is not as simplistic and repetitive as most years' songs.

The real criticism is it is not that easy to sing by aunties and uncles, young children, the middle-aged, and people in government--in other words, the mass market. Young adults who are fluent in English have no problem with it. Why does it have to be singable? Why can't it just be listenable? Do they all have to sound the same?

Most past NDP songs have been so lame and annoying that after hearing it a few times I want to smash my head against the wall. I like WDYS. Unfortunately, I haven't heard it too many times. Maybe it's just me, and SORRI has not done a comprehensive study, but it seems to me that WDYS has not received as much play as past years' songs. I also have the feeling that a couple of evergreen songs from the past have been getting more play than this year's official song. Are the powers that be trying to send a message?

I'm betting that next year's official song will reflect a return to tradition--and be lamer than ever. My head hurts just thinking about it.

Happy National Day! (We'll be in Malaysia.)

Party ideas for kids

2009-08-02T21:37:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to a birthday party for the neighbor's kid, who turned six. They had some great Indian food, a magic show, and a balloon sculptor. The kids all had a great time. After cutting the cake they had some more entertainment--dancing girls. We have another neighbor who owns a nightclub called Moshi Moshi Bollywood--an Indian style karaoke bar. They had a couple of their dancers join the celebration. I've seen these girls perform at the club, and while there is no nudity, it is probably the wildest dancing you will see in Singapore.

The first dancer's costume had more material on her boots (which came to just below her knees) than on the rest of her costume combined. The second one had a traditional Indian dance costume, much like a belly dancer's.

I enjoyed the dancing, and I wasn't the only one. Several of the aunties were recording it on their phone's video cameras, though I'm not sure why they would want to.

I have only the vaguest recollection of my sixth birthday party. I remember we played pin the tail on the donkey and musical chairs. I'm pretty sure there were no dancing girls!

We were thinking of getting a magician for Cherisse's sixth birthday, but now I'm having other ideas....

40th Anniversary of lunar landing

2009-07-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's been 40 years since man first set foot on the moon. I remember well asking my mom to wake me at about 10pm so I could watch it on TV. Not leaving anything to chance, I slept on the floor of my bedroom with my head in the hallway lest she forget. Truly the greatest voyage ever.

Next time anyone complains about the sorry state of American technology, crappy cars, etc., just remind him of July 20, 1969. People talk about China and India sending men to the moon--which would be great--but it fails to impress me because, if it happens, it will be about 50 years late. How much technology has been developed in that time? During the Age of Apollo there were no personal computers, mobile phones, or internet, and we had only three channels on TV. It's a lot harder going to the moon with only transistor radios. By the time the second place finishers reach the moon we could be on Mars. Assuming we have any money left.

Speaking of moonshots and pissing money away, Ion Orchard, Singapore's new super high end luxury mall has just opened. The big news is not the super high end luxury shops there, but the VIP restrooms (or toilets, as they are known here). According to the Straits Times, these johns boast chandeliers, black and gold wallpaper, marble flooring, and toilets with lids that open automatically when someone approaches and close afterwards. God forbid some tai tai should chip a nail while lifting the lid!

Unfortunately, most of us will never get to use these fancy crappers because they are solely for VIP guests. The concierge will escort the VIP to the locked holy of holies and open the facility. I wonder if the concierge will wait until the VIP is finished and help "clean up" afterwards? I also wonder how they will determine who qualifies as a VIP? Imagine the scene when someone who feels deserving of this honor is told he or she does not make the cut! How will they keep the VIPs happy and keep out the riff-raff at the same time? They are just begging for trouble!

For the peasants and common folk, there are public johns that are also said to be quite posh. They no doubt even have soap and hand towels. But almost every men's toilet I've been in here--even in most fine hotels--has urine on the floor. Which is not at all pleasant, even on marble flooring under the glow of chandeliers.

One more thing. Among the super high end luxury shops is a Chinese sportswear brand selling mostly badminton apparel! I had to read that paragraph three times, because I couldn't believe my eyes. Most badminton players here are school children, who don't have that kind of budget. And the handful of pros have team uniforms, or perhaps endorsement deals. Who the heck is going to drop big bucks on badminton togs? Time will tell, and probably soon.

Just one lemon

2009-07-19T02:54:00.000-07:00

I've had a hard time buying a lemon at the super-gigantic-mega-hypermarket. They only sell them in threes, and when I go to buy a lemon I only want one. I'm not the type you see in home decor magazines, with a huge plate of lemons sitting on the table, like someone who lives in a house that looks so pristine it's uninhabited is about to make five gallons of lemonade. I usually buy one lemon and a couple of cans of garbanzo beans when I want to make hummus, and I don't really need extra lemons rotting in the bottom of the fruit drawer in my fridge. Anyway, the cashier always tells me I need to buy three, we call the manager, and after some debate I walk out with my orphan lemon. It's gotten to the point where, to save time, I tell the cashier to call the manager before we begin our routine.

On my penultimate (love that word) plus one encounter, the produce manager explained that the terminals were programmed to only accept lemons in threes, but after arranging a special dispensation told me he would give feedback to the top brass. They didn't get the message, or chose not to implement it, because the next time I went there we replayed the whole sorry scene. However, the manager made a special label with a bar code for single lemons and told me that from then on each cashier would have one in her little book of price labels that she scans.

Finally, I got that craving for hummus again, grabbed my two cans of garbanzos and a lemon, and girded myself for battle. Predictably, the cashier started in on her you-have-to-buy-three-lemons spiel. I told her to check her little book, and bingo! I got my lemon without the intervention of top management. Who says you can't fight city hall? I've got my own special label!

But another battle looms. Bing cherries are in season. They sure are tempting, but I quickly lose my appetite. The cherries are loose, and a swarm of kiasu shoppers are fingering and examining each one, making sure that they choose only the BEST from this mass of nearly identical little orbs. They spend an inordinate amount of time doing this. These cherry bins could be the main launching pad for an H1N1 outbreak, but they don't care. So long as they get the best cherries, they'll take the risk.

Apology

2009-07-05T18:48:00.000-07:00

In my last post I made a joke in poor taste. I compared Miami politicians with prostitutes. It is grossly unfair to make such generalizations and comparisons which portray an entire group in a negative light. Therefore, I offer my sincerest apologies to any prostitutes I may have offended with this insensitive remark.

Marina Barrage

2009-07-05T03:12:00.000-07:00

Went to the Marina Barrage with the extended family Saturday night. This is a recently completed dam that separates most of the harbor from the sea. Over time, the water within will gradually become diluted until it is essentially a reservoir of drinkable water.

There are a few restaurants on site, with a grassy park on the roof. I suspect no one goes there during the day due to the intense heat, but at night there is a cool breeze and people hang out. Mostly young couples on cheap dates (nothing is cheaper than free) and some kite aficionados. These kites are high tech, with blinking lights. They look like UFOs.

There is also a great view of the Singapore skyline. Always a few new office towers going up, but most noticeable now is the casinos, I mean, "Integrated Resorts." A couple of years ago the projects were just being put up for tender, and now they're almost done.

In fact, it's amazing how fast things get built around here. In my old stomping grounds of Miami there are major expressways and airport projects that have been under construction for years and appear to be comatose, with no sign of completion. My guess is the local politicians are trying to figure out more ways for themselves and their cronies to gorge at the public trough. Kind of like when you're at a buffet and you've stuffed yourself, so you wait a while and then go back for more because it's there, so why not take it?

Which reminds me of a political joke: What's the difference between a Miami politician and a prostitute? Answer: The politician wears a suit. Alternative answer: The prostitute is more forthcoming about what she is going to do to you.

Which reminds me of another political joke: Sarah Palin. Good strategy, resigning--can you imagine how many blunders she would have made between now and 2012? For someone with such a modest track record, she doesn't seem too eager to build one up. Now she can snipe from the sidelines without getting dirty. My sources tell me she was last seen having lunch with Dan Quayle.

Now I've got myself all riled up, so I'd better stop for now.

Any news besides MJ?

2009-06-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering whether there is anything important going on in the world, because all I see on TV is news about Michael Jackson. Not so much about his death--which is news--but about his life. All of the media outlets have been gleefully putting out everything they have about the guy, and there is no sign that it will stop. At least not until something really big happens.

And what's with all the interviews with the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson? I don't recall either of them being MJ's personal spiritual guide. They'd run over a bunch of old ladies to grab the spotlight.

I never cared for Michael's fashion sense, but his moonwalk was impressive. Personally, I never became much of a dancer because life played a curious trick on me. While growing up I would watch enviously as my parents got all dolled up for a night at the ritzy Miami Beach nightclubs. There was the Fountainbleau, the Eden Roc, the Castaways, and the jewel in the crown: the Playboy Club, where the waitresses wore those outrageously sexy bunny costumes. Mom and dad were having cocktails and listening to Frank Sinatra, and the babysitter was putting me to bed at 8:00. Throughout my youth I waited for the time when I would be old enough to make that scene. Finally I was old enough to get into clubs and enjoy that glamorous lifestyle and what did I get? Disco! As Dean Martin would have said, “ain’t that a kick in the head.”

So I never did amount to much on the dance floor, and just managed a few basic moves to get by. My entire generation acquired the same modest level of skill. Most of the guys I know would dance at clubs to meet girls, dance with them during courtship to keep them, dance with them at their wedding to keep up appearances, and never dance with them again. For some reason their wives often resent this. My wife does, and has told me many times that she was wooed under false pretenses. Nonsense! It’s the most natural thing in the world. Throughout the animal kingdom birds, beasts, insects, and fish perform similar mating dances to impress the females of their species. But you never see them going to animal discos afterwards.

That's all I have on MJ. I hope something BIG happens soon so I can get some fresh grist for the mill.

Book is available

2009-06-24T03:41:00.000-07:00

Getting Into Singapore is starting to appear on the shelves in bookstores throughout Singapore. It is also available in most ebook formats at http://www.smashwords.com/ for only US$3.99.

My first book, Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?: Lessons in Effective Communication, is also on sale in ebook form at http://www.smashwords.com/ for the same price.

While I'm old school in that I like books made of paper and ink, there is something to be said for ebooks. They are cheaper, more portable, and save space as well as trees. They are the wave of the future.

I promise my next post will be more interesting!

Bizarre TV Commercials

2009-06-14T02:10:00.000-07:00

Watching TV is such a passive experience that most people don’t even notice the junk that is flashed into their heads. A couple of TV commercials aired recently illustrate the point.

The first one is for Nutella, a chocolate and hazelnut spread that is delicious on crepes or croissants. In the ad a mother and teacher (Australian, judging by the accent) praises this sugary treat. She even goes so far as to call it “energy for learning.” Now the stuff is tasty, but I wouldn’t want to face a classroom full of kids hopped up on it at 8.30 in the morning. It’s a great example of spin, but has the company no shame?

Another ad features a Singaporean auntie who used to love eating out with her friends. At least she did until denture problems made her reluctant to join them, and they stopped calling her. Fortunately, she found a new denture adhesive that works wonders! Her confidence is back, and she and her old friends are once again storming the buffets like a plague of locusts. What kinds of friends are these? Have they nothing in common other than eating? Is food the sole basis of their so-called friendship? How sad. What’s even sadder is that many Singaporeans can probably relate to her plight (and I don’t mean denture problems.)

In the Eye of the Beholder

2009-06-10T00:53:00.000-07:00

I was blessed with a rare visit from an American relative in the form of my cousin Hana, a college student in Boston. I’d like to say she came all the way to Singapore to visit, but I can’t. She went to China as part of her course of study in international affairs, and made a side trip for a few days.

We visited the Singapore Art Museum to get a little culture, and I got more than I bargained for. I had an epiphany, and I am now looking into a career change. Specifically, the creative spirit within me is busting out, and I plan to become an artist.

Would you believe I was so inspired by the beautiful expressions of imagination and skillful renderings that I decided to devote my talents to similar expressions? No? I didn’t think so. In fact, I was just amazed by what passes for art these days, and I decided I could do it at least as well.

One piece was a series of 12 square cards arranged in a sequence, each one a darker shade of pink than the last. I could do that.

Then there was a group of television monitors playing videos of “performance art.” One screen showed a man taking off his pants. I do that every day. More than once, if I’m lucky! Another showed a man taking a swig from a bottle of water and forcefully spitting it out. I could do that.

There was also a Michael Jackson style jacket suspended from the ceiling by strings, as though an invisible Michael Jackson was getting ready to “Beat It.” I could do that, too.

Then there was a cardboard box from an overnight delivery company that had been shaped into a crude house. In the “front yard” was a bunch of nail clippers, files, and other manicure tools. Wait a minute; that sounds bad. It was an arrangement of nail care implements. If you describe it the right way someone might actually pay money for it.

When my daughter builds a house of blocks and leaves her toys scattered around I used to think she was just making a mess and refusing to clean it up. Now I know better—I have a budding Duchamp on my hands. I had better stop giving her time out for that, lest I squelch her artistic genius.

My favorite—meaning the one that made me laugh the hardest—was a collection of old fashioned, lacy infant clothing, each suspended from the ceiling by strings, as though they were being worn by infant ghosts.

I got the feeling that some art class assignment was to create a piece of art by suspending objects from the ceiling with string, and the ones that didn’t pass somehow ended up at the museum.

I hate to sound so negative, but most of us artists are of a critical turn, and quite opinionated as well. So, in the interests of equal time, let me say that there were a few nice paintings, sculptures, and ceramic pieces.

There is also a Glass Hall with fantastic, colored glass bowls. I’m not so sure I could do that. These babies were not suspended from strings, but they were mounted high on the walls. Some genius decided that this room would be a great place for young schoolchildren on field trips to play, and the kids were throwing objects all over the place. So if you appreciate glass, you should definitely check it out. But hurry!

In the meantime, I will contemplate my first masterpiece. I’ll get started as soon as I find a large spool of string.

Countdown to launch

2009-05-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

In a few days Getting Into Singapore, the book, will be out--just in time for the World Book Fair 2009 at Suntec City Exhibition Center. The cover looks fantastic! It was designed by Miel, the Straits Times illustrator, and his iconic style will be instantly recognizable by all Singaporeans. I will drop by the Fair to autograph copies of the book and meet with fans. Or anyone else who happens to be around. Hope to see you there.